I want to give anyone reading this a full background and history so you can hopefully better answer my question (The question isn't only whether I'm 'Depressed or Lazy?' but also what should I do to progress/get better) Its going to be in 4 sections: Childhood, Drugs, Current situation and Current emotions
My childhood was rather basic; nothing out of the ordinary. I had a normal family and the only thing that's worth taking note of was some physical abuse from my grandfather who hit me a few times as punishment (I was very young. And where I lived, it was acceptable) I experienced some bullying but it wasn't too bad. When I was 7 I moved from Lithuania to the UK and from here on I always felt like a misfit and had a lot of trouble adapting . I tried to socialize with other kids and join in with activities/clubs but people never accepted me and once that happened I stopped trying and rather started to take comfort in video games and never had motivation to socialize (I'm introverted). And after that the problem started and I would never want to go anywhere, which then led me onto developing social anxiety (My dad has always had it so it probably wasn't the main cause). My parents never had a reason to be disappointed in me because overall I was quite smart.
When I was 14-15 I started getting heavily into drugs, it started off with weed and alcohol, and before I knew it I was binging ecstasy every weekend. However, this wasn't the worst of it because I later developed an addiction to prescriptions like xanax and hydrocodone (This all happened in the span of 2 years). During this time period I nearly died twice which is why my parents decided to send me to various mental health professionals but because the system is so poorly funded I never managed to get a proper diagnosis for why I was the way I was. But I did get to talk plentifully about my emotions: I understood from then on that most of my drug problems were a result of my social anxiety. I stopped seeing these therapists because every single time I spoke about my mental health, would feel an overwhelming amount of guilt shortly after (for no reason). Even now I still romanticize those times because,although I was depressed, I didn't feel the same issues that I feel now.
Right now, I am doing the same thing I was doing in my childhood: playing video games. I'm not productive whatsoever, I want to do things but I can never get myself to do them . I want to make music when I'm about to fall asleep but when I wake up I feel drained again. Not willing to do anything. My social life is also practically non-existent and everyday I feel lonely as hell. On the other hand, I am completely sober.
I contemplate suicide, but would never be able to go through with it sober. I don't consider myself 'sad' but just 'not content with life' if that makes any sense. I do not cry very frequently since I never seem to be able to let go of my emotions; I don't necessarily 'bottle' my emotions since it feels like the lid is always closed and I cannot open it in order to let go. I always create a fantasy world in my head in order to battle the opposing one in my mind. This is most likely why I have always enjoyed games so much :/
If you have read this far I really appreciate it. Hope everyone has beautiful day.