Hello. I found this forum whilst Googling for help/advice. I scared myself this morning as my thoughts have started to turn to ending it all. I was driving into working thinking over everything, the financial mess I’ve got myself into, the shame of admitting that to anyone, causing upset to my husband and not being able to shake the feeling I’m a disappointment and have let him down. I thought about driving off the road into a tree, or a post, or down a steep ditch, of off a bridge. I didn’t do it, mostly as I feared not doing it properly and ending up in hospital. That’s a nightmare to me as I’m scared of doctors and needles, anything that’s invasive medically really. So thoughts turned to how I could hang myself at home.
I guess I’ve been up and down for a while, and subconsciously I’ve been thinking people are better off without me around. Last year I wrote a will, and I took out a new life insurance policy that I knew would cover the full value off the remaining mortgage and all my debts. My husband is a wonderful man, but at the moment I know he is annoyed and disappointed with me over my finance issues. I can’t really talk to him about it now as he thinks I was hiding it from him, which I wasn’t intentionally doing. I just buried my head in the sand hoping it would go away on its own. He doesn’t really look at me the way he used to, or show affection in the same way. I know he is stressed at work and I’ve made things worse. I just feel isolated how. My whole family live 1.5 hours drive away. My sister had a baby girl 3 years ago and since then I feel like I’ve lost her as she’s changed. Her whole world is baby baby baby, and I am really uncomfortable around young children. I have zero interest. My parents are obsessed with their grandchild, she’s all they go on about. So I feel I would t really be missed as I don’t really fit in. My husband has two teenage daughters from his previous relationship. I get on ok with them, but I don’t feel relaxed when they are in the house. They are over every other weekend and that whole time it’s like the three of them do family stuff and I’m excluded and don’t fit in. I don’t have kids myself due to my medical phobia and dislike of young children. So I’m feeling isolated, unloved, unwanted and ashamed.
I’ve spent time sorting out life insurance, pensions information etc into an easy to read folder with my will and details of everything that could be claimed upon my death. I know people may be shot upset at first if I ended my life, but genuinely believe they’d be better off without me. Certainly my husband would be very financially secure and that’s what matters to me. I want him to be happy, am I’m failing miserably at doing that. I’ve been sobbing on and off today at my lowest point so far. I caught myself stabbing my hand with a drawing pin. I’ve never self harmed before, but I was drawn to scrapping my skin. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before and only ever got as far as taking numerous blister packs of paracetamol out of the cupboard and looking at them. I just wanted everything to end. That was when I was being bullied at school. I’ve done similar during the relationship with my abusive ex husband and the divorce. I’m just at a point where I feel trapped in my own bubble of regret and shame unable to talk to anyone about all these negative thoughts and emotions.
I’ve not once been to the GP about this, so never been told I’m depressed or whatever. Never had any support. I feel like I’d be wasting thier time when sick people need appointments and I’m just being silly. I feel so down though and I’m scared for the first time, that I might actually do it this time.