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lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

at a loss what to do

Postby lisalou79 » Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:52 pm

hi all, I'm new here (not so good with technology) I'm 39.2 girls (20 and 11) my youngest has special needs.I've suffered with depression most of my adult life. going through one of the worst bouts at the moment. I'm trying to pull myself out of it but I admit i cant seem to. recently my partner left me because of my mood swings and pushing him away.was new years day! then a few days later found out my youngest daughters dad is taking me to court for full custody of my youngest (I am her carer aswell as her mum) I have no family to turn to, and no friends i can talk to. everything a got too much..and apart from taking my daughter to school, I will come back to bed..sleep..cry..sleep..cry. I am able to do the mummy things after school etc..but I'm locked into this deep despair and can't even think straight. I know i need to go to the doctors but he is not very understanding.I found myself desperately searching for help groups..here i am. my feelings are scaring me and I've lost myself

betterinrecovery
Posts: 605
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby betterinrecovery » Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:00 pm

HI there.
just read your post. I hope other forum members will read it soon and will contribute to supporting you.
B

lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby lisalou79 » Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:13 pm

thankyou, seriously lost at the moment

holdingon
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:28 pm

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby holdingon » Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:43 pm

Hi lisalou,
It was bizarre reading your post, we're similar aged & although my circumstances are different from yours, I am going through the worst Depression & Anxiety I've ever known too & I'm trying to do it alone. I thought maybe if I could chat with others, listen & support them too, that we would all be able to find our way again. I've never tried this either.
I'm here if you'd like to chat.

pauley
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:48 am

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby pauley » Wed Jan 16, 2019 10:12 pm

Hi all
It sounds horrible, life can be very tough. I suffer from severe depression, it is crippling, but it does ease off, may take a while, you may need professional help, but there is a light, it may be far away and dim, but you have taken a very positive step in coming on here.
Talk on here, confide in a friend, see a doctor, discuss with any family. Important you build a support network around yourself, it is so much harder to try to do it alone.
Best wishes
Pauley

lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Re: at a loss what to do *TRIG*

Postby lisalou79 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:22 am

thankyou for the replys. i have no one to confide in.and I put way too much on my 20 year old.I'm ment to be strong for her not the other way round. I was hoping this year would be a good one. it took a lot to trust my recent ex and to have him just cut me off is so hard.I'm litrally at breaking point. maybe i shouldn't open up here but if I don't I will explode! I was sexually abused by one of my brothers when I was 14. it did go to court some time later but he got away with it.my so called father took his side.my mum did support me kind of. it made me lost.I never felt wanted by family and my head was messed up from then.all my relationships have been abusive in one way or another. my eldest daughters father locked me in the bathroom when i was 8 months pregnant n locked all the doors.baricaded me in and went out laughing.that was one of many things he did.I got away..I went on to trust some time later..bad relationships.I got through an abusive marriage too.which I thought was the thing to break me. he was vile.beyond belief.I will never forget driving me n my kids to a refuge and my kids begging me not to stay there.so I drove back n begged my then husband to let me get the kids home and in bed. 3am it was..he wouldn't.I remember coppering up to try n get a bnb for the night.I didn't have enough.emotional..financial..pysical abuse.he cut my feet with throwing plates and chucked me off a bed one night.anyway thats just some things. i filed for divorce and got an injunction and got him out the home.he took all the furniture out the house.even the cutlery.everything.I slowly built myself back up.for my kids.my youngest daughters dad blamed me for getting into a marriage with someone like that.anyway years later I met someone else..planned on marriage.weeks before wedding i came home and he was gone. all the time my own beliefs in myself was reinforced.I was useless..unworthy..they could see i wasn't worth it.I wonder if it's coz of being abused.and as times gone on its all messed my head up more and more. then this recent failed relationship.no closure.just cut me dead after nearlly a year. I've had counselling over the years..been to college want to start my own business.but my money situation is so bad I'm not able to. I've never felt so lonely..and I'm so tired of fighting just to get by. I'm a good mum.I do what I need to for my kids.give them love.nice home etc.but me as a person? I'm not here anymore. I'm on autopilot. everyone has hurt me and I'm not exagurating.not even my mum has text me and she knows how low i am. my dad died last year and i only got chance to say how I feel at his cremation.I needed closure.and to say how much he hurt me by not believing me. now as i say my ex is taking me to court for custody of my youngest saying my mental health needs sorting.but I'm a good mum.she is loved and cared for.and I give her what she needs.I don't do anything wrong apart from having a cig a few times a day outside lol. he doesnt give me no credit for bringing his child up with love. no matter what I do people end up hating me.and I'm a good person.wouldn't hurt anyone. I can't see past all this.I'm nearlly 40 and I was hoping my life would be better by now

lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby lisalou79 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:34 am

thankyou holdingon I'm here for people too..I know we all are suffering in different ways.

holdingon
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:28 pm

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby holdingon » Thu Jan 17, 2019 11:35 am

Hey, you can confide in me. I'm here. I'm listening.
Telling your story is you being strong. Like you're saying "This has happened to me - Help"
I think when we've been through bad stuff it wires our brains into thinking we don't deserve anything good, so subconsciously we make decisions throughout our life, relationships, jobs etc that probably don't reflect the good things we do deserve in life - to be happy.
But there has to be ways to re-wire those.
Have you ever talked about all the things you've been through? You've said a few things here & said about counseling over the years, but were you able to talk about everything?

We're at the beginning of another year, in which we shall turn 40! We have plenty of time to find ourselves still. We have to believe in that, even if it's a slow process, which it is going to be.
Focus on all the good things in your life - you have a nice home, you're a good mum to your kids ... Then what can you add to it? - you want to start your own business but don't have enough money, so let's look at ways to find that money or do it without it.
Do you have any friends you trust?
Do you want to be in a loving relationship or focus on you and your children & career for the time being?

lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby lisalou79 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 3:24 pm

I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but I'm the kind of person who needs someone a partner..I've never been able to find a relationship that has been loyal. and not left me all of a sudden.I know I'm a pain in the @#! sometimes, but I have a loving nature and thrive off living someone (don't get me wrong I don't jump into relatuonshios) every failed relationship just proved why my walls are so high. yeah i had counselling years after what happened with abuse.and I also talked of my bad relationships.but of course I only got so many sessions and none of them helped.I've tried antidepressants and helping myself with going to the gym (used to few years ago) I'm currently in the process of getting another car.as getting out n driving for a bit with music on helps. but honestly, I don't know why people walk away and why my family are not there for me.I'm so tired all the time, yes because of my special needs daughter (she has mood swings and agression ) sorry if that's spelt wrong. but no I have no one. I had a few friends few years ago but they dropped out my life.like that couldn't be bothred with me and my troubles. my kids are the reason in still here to be honest. their is only so much a human can go through.and my body mind and soul just feels numb. it's all in repeat. I'm on universal credit and only been in it a year..that's why i can't afford to even get up and running with a business.I've tried for funding etc.no help.I can't even save.I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.cos of an ex. I'm a fighter but I really don't know how to pick myself back up from this. I can't face losing my daughter.I don't need this fight ahead in court to prove she's better off with me.I'm so sorry for all my moaning

lisalou79
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:41 pm
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Re: at a loss what to do

Postby lisalou79 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 3:33 pm

I did level 2 in counselling years ago as i wanted to help women who had been through abuse.I wanted to do my level 3 but funding had stopped. then I did a beginners course in floristry at college a few years ago and was passionate about that. but again I couldn't afford the next full time course with no funding available. as i wanted to start my own floristry/wedding venue dressing business.I even did a business workshop course as i was really geared up to find a way..meeting my ex husband put a stop to that. now I want to start my own tipi party business.it seems more viable and would let me earn a wage for myself to pay bills etc. having a normal job isn't possible as i said I'm my youngest carer and she gets expelled a lot. I don't want to carry on 'sleeping' through my life not having any purpose.but I can't seem to open any doors. I'm in limbo and even at the time my old friends said I'm full of bad luck.that stuck like glue in my mind. reinforcing again my own beliefs in myself


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