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I'm Scared. (Possible Triggers)

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Joined: Sat Dec 22, 2018 2:55 am

I'm Scared. (Possible Triggers)

Postby dorian28 » Sat Dec 22, 2018 3:34 am

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting in a forum so please excuse any breaches in protocol or etiquette.

I guess I should start by introducing myself. My medical/psychiatric history goes back to when I was seven, but I'll skip to the here and now. I'm 28. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (nearly five years ago) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (diagnosed earlier this year). I see a psychiatrist every month and a GP every two to four weeks. I'm currently on a waiting list to talk to a psychologist. My current prescription is 5mg olanzapine and 60mg fluoxetine, although that's only recently been increased so I'm not seeing any difference yet. I used to selfharm as a teenager, but I've started again over the past few months. If I'm being brutally honest, I have attempted suicide in the past.

Things are getting worse for me mood-wise. I'm spending most of my time either thinking about cutting myself or not wanting to live any more. I just can't get the thoughts out of my head. The last time I cut myself I used a different knife; this one was sharper than I'd expected so I ended up needing it dressed by a nurse in MIU. At the time I didn't mean to cut so deep, but since then it's all I can picture, taking that knife and making a deep cut. Not because I want to go back to MIU obviously, just that's the insistent thought bouncing round in my head. I'm scared of my thinking, of the inside of my head. But I can't concentrate on anything to distract myself.

I saw my GP again this afternoon. He increased the dose and wants to see me again in a week. He also insisted on referring me to the Crisis Team. I don't really understand what that entails, other than they'll call me at some point. Though I'm not sure when that'll be with the weekend then Christmas coming up. I'm really scared they're going to suggest hospitalisation.

I'm trying to fight the thoughts, to resist the urges. But I feel like that's all I've been doing for as long as I can remember. I've been seeing psychiatrists, therapists, counsellors, community psychiatric nurses, since I was seven. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. As I've gotten older and seen more doctors the diagnoses have changed. I have tried various medications (eg antidepressants, antipsychotics, anticonvulsants), and tried several different psychological approaches such as CBT.

I feel I'm doing everything I can to get well, but nothing works. Every day is a fight, an uphill battle. I've just been constantly fighting to keep my head above water, and I'm really running out of the will to keep fighting. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. The pictures in my mind, the thoughts, they're just always there.

If anyone has any suggestions I'm open to all ideas. I know I need help. I've had episodes similar to this before but never this bad. It's like my sanity is slowly slipping away, like I'll just break. And that terrifies me.

Anyway, a heartfelt thank you for reading this.


Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2018 4:05 am

Re: I'm Scared. (Possible Triggers)

Postby geoffthemathematician2 » Thu Dec 27, 2018 4:28 am

You are strong! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Maybe sit down and make a list of things you'd like to be better at?

Do you like to read? Write? Exercise? Draw? Play an instrument?

I myself have horrible thoughts before I go to bed every night so you are not alone in this.

You are awesome,


Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Dec 22, 2018 2:55 am

Re: I'm Scared. (Possible Triggers)

Postby dorian28 » Mon Dec 31, 2018 3:09 am

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply.

I used to read like there was no tomorrow, and I also enjoyed cooking. Now neither brings me joy; I can't concentrate long enough to read even a lighthearted book, and I really can't summon the motivation to cook (especially as I'm going through a phase of not really feeling hungry).

Now I find joy in very little. I'm trying to lean on my friends for support, but at the same time feel guilty for unloading on them when there's nothing they can really do to help other than listen to me. I feel like if I share too much with them, then was to act on any of my thoughts, that it'd leave them feeling they should have done more, even though there's nothing they can really do.

I wish it was just before bed, but it's like 90% of the time when I'm conscious my thoughts are of hurting myself in some way. I can't get the image of those knives out of my head. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, to not have to keep thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings over and over. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to; I'm taking my meds, I'm going to doctors appointments, I'm trying to force myself to go out and see friends. I even came clean and told my mum just how bad things are for me, as I'd been trying to hide the extent of it from her because I know it upsets her and makes her feel useless and inadequate (she's not, but I know she feels helpless to help me through this).

It's wearing me down. I need more help but there doesn't seem to be anything else to be done.

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