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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:03 pm
Feeling very low again. It is only 10 weeks since my last stay in hospital. It was a 12 week stay and i was put through the ringer - manic- followed by a crippling depression. I am absolutely exhausted with it all because i am feeling worse day by day and i am worried where it will all end up. My CPN is coming to see me Friday and my wife is going to ring her tomorrow so she will be prepared for her visit. I was suicidal with my last depression. I told my pdoc it's not only the depression to contend with it is the agains and agains either highs or lows often several times a year i am asked to cope with. I have voiced that my wife would be better off without me. She disagrees but nevertheless i have to cope with it all Sorry i think i have posted in the wrong forum.
Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:29 pm
It sounds like you are on some terrible roller coaster ride. Wizzing to the top of emotion and then sinking to the depths of despair. What is worse is that you know that another dark episode will be on the way. I can see that you want to stop and get off.
What I can say is, I know when the darkness is coming and it is terrifying.
I can also say that I did have a psychiatrist, who worked very hard for me a few years ago and without his work I would not be here now.
My pen name is ‘Better in Recovery’ but I have really just now started to feel a bit better, it takes ages but having an understanding partner makes all the difference.
Within the last year I was relying on my husband to get me up and dress me.
I hope they can find a treatment path that suits you.
I know the desperate need to want to die, I just wanted out and I told any medic that would listen.
I stayed alive for my husband and now I am beginning to stay alive for myself.
So what I am saying is, that it is possible to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death and yet survive..(quoting psalm 23 in the bible).
Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:33 pm
Even if you don't subscribe to a faith, I hope this poem in the Bible can help.
In some of them you can feel the absolute agony of the writer-
its like Bloody Hell, I am in so much pain, I can't take any more.
What I am saying is the pain of Depression and bi- polar highs followed by the lows is bloody awful
many of us know this.
We know, I know, what you are describing.
Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2018 9:10 pm
Hi B what a heart warming post - it is so very much appreciated. I know that you know how dire things can get. It is a great comfort that you,as others, are with me during this difficult time. I do have a faith and this caused me some consternation as suicide does not sit well with my Christian beliefs. But i was and now am living a nightmare.
Thank you once again.
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 5:03 pm
I am alll over the place. Don't know where to post. My recent postis in safe room.