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Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:34 pm
by naweez
Oh John :(

I can understand you from a different point of view, my dad left and I could see my mum struggle. You might not know it but you do have a support system, all of us here and your family.

Please feel free to message. I am terribly sorry you are going through this.

N x

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:42 pm
by amaya
Hi John :)

A psychiatrist once told me that all anxiety is uncertainity in one form or another. So when you feel anxious you can ask yourself what is uncertain about the situation you are in that might be causing the anxiety, or what feelings of uncertainity do you have if the uncertainities are fears rather than an actual uncertainity.

It doesn't make the anxiety go away, but it helps you to observe it rather than being overwhelmed by it. Also, anxiety is natural.

My advice about panic attacks is not to try too hard to avoid them, because trying not to be anxious can create a kind of avoidant behaviour that usually makes the anxiety worse and leads to more panic attacks. Better to observe the physical sensations, note what the anxiety is about, and practice some grounding exercises until it passes. Accept that it will happen, and learn how to get through. Over time as you accept yourself more and more and try to control less and less, the panic attacks should also reduce. (That's my theory based on my experience anyways.)

You are on the right path. You are doing your best. It is enough. Try not to label things as failures, just do that cliched thing of learning from outcomes. The pain of things that have not worked out is enough for you to bear without also beating yourself up about them. Especially now that you are trying so very hard to go in another direction. It really is enough. The old John doesn't exist anymore to feel bad about, and he was just a person struggling anyway so he shouldn't have to feel bad at all actually. But now there is just this John, the one reading right this second. He is doing damn good with life, because the hardest thing in the world is being emotionally honest with yourself instead of telling yourself stories in your head about who you are. This John is living :)

Mindfulness is good. Anything from a MBSR course (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) is good, the main guy who developed it is Jon Kabat Zinn.

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:52 pm
by johnbeln
Hi Amaya

Thanks I will try your suggestions.
I am going to research MBSR to get some kind of perspective

Thanks Amaya I will let you know how I get on


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 2:09 pm
by countrysolegirl

I guess your original post was some time ago and you have found support here and with others and that is awesome ! Recently I felt tempted to start drinking again ( I stopped my “ problem” drinking 10 years ago out of love for my family and God helped me.) because of family pressures. The winters are hard here and I didn’t recognize how depression from winter was adding to my feelings about others, making them negative.

I felt I would be justified in drinking, like I was pushed to it, but deep inside I knew that was an excuse and I even stayed away from restaraunts when I knew that alcohol woudl be too readily available. It won’t solve problems, it won’t make me a better person and it won’t help anything really. If it was good for me, doctors would prescribe it and there wouldn’t be a worldwide organization to help people stop drinking it, yes?

I didn’t drink and I faced the ugly thought that I had to do something to fix the problem. Very oddly, the main solution for me was just to get out and excerise to change my frame of mind. It might be easy for some people but for me deciding to do something for myself , to help myself, was very very hard. I’m only on day two but yesterday I felt so amazing and saw how my mindset can change for the positive if I make a choice to take care of myself.

With so many people in your house, what are your hsyical and emotional and spiritual needs and can any one else identify and meet them , or is you that has to choose?

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:33 am
by johnbeln
Hi Countrysolegirl

At the suggestion of Amaya (who's posts is so supportive)
I joined the gym and went for a work out on Saturday/Sunday
I know that I need to carve out space for myself and the AA meetings help me as it's a place I can be me this is true of this forum..
What you say is right if it was good for me my doctor would prescribe it and I now can see the real distructive nature of alcohol..
I recently lost a cousin my age to Alcohol it was the finally wake up call.. So I just need to focus on staying sober no matter what life throws at me..

Thanks again for your words this just makes me feel so much better
It's valentines day I went to a AA meeting and this post meant I got through the night

Thanks again countrysolegir

OB77 if you are out there how are you getting on

Amaya: Thanks for the suggestion on anxiety, the gym, meditation and a weird breathing technique I found out about is helping me manage it without drinking

Thanks guys I willl keep posting


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 12:40 am
by ob77
Hi johnb. Im still here checking that you are ok. Still great seeing u do so well, especially with how difficult things have been.

Im doing well. Really well in fact. Things didnt work out between me and the date, tbh i think she went back to her ex, but that turned out to be a good thing as i have met someone else and things are going great with her. Never thought i would be this happy again.

Keep up the good work and keep us informed as to your progress. U are doing so well and its great credit to you and us that people are finding comfort in this and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel

Stay strong


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:19 pm
by amaya
Glad my advice can help :)

I think you are doing awesome by the way. What do you have planned for this weekend?

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:56 pm
by johnbeln
Hi Amaya

Apologies for only replying now but it was a busy weeekend

Saturday the Gym nice and earlier, visited a friend who I haven't seen for a few weeks
this went on until in the evening and then spent time with my Daughter and Grand Daughter
They reminded me what i am fighting for we were up untill late watching a silly film
I laughed alot at the antics my grand daughter was getting up to including feeding the dog her food

Sunday 2hr driving lesson then gym and then an AA meeting
I am filling up my days with all the things that distract my mindset so I don't start to reminisce
I am getting there very slow and painfully but I am getting there

I will keep posting as long as the journey takes and wherevever it leads me

Thanks again everyone you are part of my coping tools.
I still get the anxtiety/panic attacks but I do what you suggested and confront the feelings head on and actually ask myself what is the reason for these feelings. Once I have actually said it out loud or even written it down it dissipates and do this while doing the breathing technics

Thanks everyone "Get Well" and "Stay Well"


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 4:05 pm
by amaya
That sounds really great :)
I love how you are tackling things head on this way and taking action. I am trying to do the same with varying degrees of success depending on what week it is haha

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2018 11:46 pm
by johnbeln
Hi Amaya

I admire the way you fight everyday I have said this before you were the first post I read and one of the first people to welcome me on this forum
Over the last few months you have inspired me to keep going
You have given so many people who read your posts strength and courage so just remember this next time you come upagainst osbstacles and keep letting us know your ok

Thanks Amaya for everything