Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Girlfriends parents won't allow her to get help

If you're new and want to say hello...
baccetu00
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:35 am

Girlfriends parents won't allow her to get help

Postby baccetu00 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:00 am

I'm just wanting some advice on how to help my girlfriend. Since around July she has been spiralling into this pit of depression and anxiety and it's only been getting worse and worse. She's 17, in college and lives with her parents. Her dad's incredibly successful and works away during the week, he is the main problem with all of this. I believe he is a narcissist, he holds all financial control over the household, demands his children are successful and would rather not have a conversation with them unless it is to do with work and academics. He works away during the week and when he comes back at the weekend all he does is belittle everybody, criticise and show his anger, but god help anybody who criticises him. Anyway, my girlfriend went to the doctors over her mental health a few months ago and got a referral to mental health services, she got the appointment and went, but they wrote a completely false report, discharged her and referred her to group therapy. Okay that would be great, but her parents won't allow her to go as she'd be missing 2 hours of college a week. But the thing is at the moment she won't even get up out of bed to go to college at the moment, she doesn't want to get up to do anything, she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to watch TV, her personal hygiene is near non existent and there has been multiple times where I've had to sit and brush a head full of knots out of her hair for her. Everyday she tells me how she wants to die and I am so powerless because her parents have so much control. If she has not been to college then she can not see me, I can't take her to the doctors myself her mum demands to take her and often speaks for her. This morning she had a full on meltdown and her mum got her dad on the phone to 'calm her down', but she was just met with 'oh how hard is your life, I don't have time for this' he also rang her later on and told her that she would just 'end up alone and on benefits'. They avoid the problem completely and a few days ago offered to get her a life coach to 'help get her confidence back and do well at college', it isn't a life coach she needs, she needs serious medical help, she needs therapy and possibly medication, but all they're bothered about is her education, which she could easily continue when she's better, right now there's no chance she can continue it. I'm so concerned and I'm powerless, I don't know what do to

mihaela
Posts: 1071
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Girlfriends parents won't allow her to get help

Postby mihaela » Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:16 am

Hello and welcome.

I agree with you completely. This is a very serious situation. Her family sounds toxic and dysfunctional and it's all making her ill. It's this kind of abuse that causes personality disorders, and that's the last thing your girlfriend needs. She is of the age when PDs tend to develop. You say her dad's 'successful'. I see him as a fool. The true measure of success is not material wealth, but the amount of good we do in the world, and it seems he does more harm than good, and is only concerned about himself and the reflected glory his ego would receive from having a 'successful' daughter.

'Success' and narcissism go hand in hand. Ruthlessness and arrogance are vital to that warped kind of success. Work and academics are trivial as far as our mental health is concerned, mere chaff in the wind. She may not be psychologically suited to such an environment. I too was expected to 'succeed' academically, and for a while I had a 'high-flying' job in London - until I had a breakdown. Ever since then I've never worked for pay, done loads of voluntary work, lived frugally off 'pocket money' from my loving parents, and have never felt so contented, despite the many problems I have - all due to other people in my life. (I have HF autism)

This man sounds a totally boring, control freak, who doesn't understand what a real fulfilling life is about - happiness, joy, contentment and peace of mind - worth more than any amount of money can pay for. Such people are to be pitied, and are usually beyond help.

baccetu00 wrote:Anyway, my girlfriend went to the doctors over her mental health a few months ago and got a referral to mental health services, she got the appointment and went, but they wrote a completely false report, discharged her and referred her to group therapy.


This has happened to me too. Misdiagnoses are only too common, and too many professionals are lazy and lack empathy. They bask in their professional status, feeling immune to criticism and get away with far too much. It came as no surprise for me to learn that sociopathic and narcissistic PDs are more common in doctors, solicitors, politicians, police officers, prisoners, slaughtermen, etc. than in the general population. So it's hit and miss as to whether you get a genuine caring doctor. Be wary of those motivated primarily by money, status and ambition, rather than by empathy and altruism.

... her parents won't allow her to go as she'd be missing 2 hours of college a week


How ridiculous! And how selfish! Her mother sounds little better than her father. I doubt whether group therapy would help the poor girl. It's not her who has the problem, but her parents. As far as I can see, the only answer would be family therapy, either that or for her to escape from the intolerable situation by leaving home ASAP.

But the thing is at the moment she won't even get up out of bed to go to college at the moment, she doesn't want to get up to do anything, she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to watch TV, her personal hygiene is near non existent and there has been multiple times where I've had to sit and brush a head full of knots out of her hair for her.


I'd be just the same under all that pressure. It's a normal reaction.

Everyday she tells me how she wants to die and I am so powerless because her parents have so much control. If she has not been to college then she can not see me, I can't take her to the doctors myself her mum demands to take her and often speaks for her.


She needs immediate help to escape from her situation, not necessarily from her home - but then her parents MUST stop mistreating her like this. Without intervention by others this won't happen. You can take her to the doctor's, and she can take herself too - if well enough, but you'd both need to be prepared for her mum's reaction, and her dad's.

This morning she had a full on meltdown and her mum got her dad on the phone to 'calm her down', but she was just met with 'oh how hard is your life, I don't have time for this' he also rang her later on and told her that she would just 'end up alone and on benefits'.


The lack of empathy sickens me! "Ending up alone on benefits" is better than her current intolerable situation, and anyway, why need she be 'alone'. At least she'd be away from the toxic controlling influence of her disordered parents. Some of the best and nicest people happen to be on benefits, including lots of vulnerable people who do an enormous amount of vital voluntary work. All that matters is that she lives a happy, contented and fulfilling life - and that's not happening.

...it isn't a life coach she needs, she needs serious medical help, she needs therapy and possibly medication, but all they're bothered about is her education, which she could easily continue when she's better, right now there's no chance she can continue it.


Yes! YES! But, as I said earlier, it's her parents who are causing the damage. Her reactions are normal. She doesn't need a life coach, and therapy or medication will not significantly improve matters as long as her parents are controlling her. She's being driven to her limits, no amount of therapy will change that. She is not the problem; they are.

I'm so concerned and I'm powerless, I don't know what do to


I know the feeling too well. You too need support. It's too much of a burden to expect you alone to gets things done to solve all this - and it's urgent. I might be able to help. Contact me at lamposatmaildotmd if you want.

My thoughts are with you both. xx


Return to “Newbies Room”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests