I'm Lewis and I'm 30 years old, I'm a trainee train driver, married to the girl I have been with since we were 15/16 and now have 2 beautiful children and live a pretty awesome life, BUT for the last 6 months have been having times of feeling pretty low and dark.
I feel different things quite often but main things for me is I get panicky, and I get like a tingly feeling down my arms, its quite strange.
I constantly feel like something bad is going to happen, be it war or natural disaster (I'm constantly thinking about what I would do in these situations), sometimes saying good bye to the family in the mornings feels like its going to be the last time I'm ever going to see them.
I have horrific dreams and nightmares that can affect me for days on end, and leave me feeling weak and tired.
I get very angry to the point I feel like my skin is on fire, especially when I am on the road and say, being badly tailgated. I have (not proud of this at all btw) stopped in the middle of the road and got out the car several times, although I haven't ever hurt anyone or even got into any physical altercations with anyone its always on the back on my mind and I feel terrible afterwards. I feel like I get much angrier in these situations when the kids are in the car, I guess its over active protective emotions kicking in, I find that the people doing the tail gating or cutting up aren't just threatening me they are threatening my children (if that makes sense)
I find myself sometimes scared of the dark when I never used to be at all.
I HATE being away from my wife and kids for anything longer than the working day.
This all started (this time round) after a pretty big argument with my wife and I was pretty sure I was going to loose them all and it would of been my fault and it was a stupid argument of essentially nothing important that I wouldn't let go, and I have been suffering with my self ever since.
I have been like this before, but in a different way and I didn't think I would ever end up like it again.
After my daughter was born (1st) we were at a family dinner and i choked really badly on a piece of chicken had the whole fading light tunnel thing and it scared me, a few weeks later I had what I thought was a heart attack (at this time I owned a business with my father and we had just had a meeting about life and the company) I felt it come over me like a wave and I collapsed on the floor and my staff called 999, turned out all the obs were fine and they put it down to a panic attack, to many energy drinks (used for my MMA training) and stress.
I spent the best part of 2-3 weeks in bed, couldn't get up, felt like I had really bad flu. Scared to go outside, and terrified when my wife left me alone and cried all the time. This was the turning point for me, move house, finally got the courage to leave the family business and pursue the career I wanted and I felt great, enjoyed my new home and new job and most importantly my new daughter, we went on to have our second child my son.
I have a pretty dark childhood, I have always felt that my life didn't really begin until I was 13, and although I feel I am over my past I'm wondering if when something negative happens to me I get worked up, angry and then shut down?
I'm sorry for the long post and I do feel silly sometimes that I feel this way, because from the outside (I mean not knowing my past etc) it looks like I have the ideal life, and I know I do.
I have a beautiful wife that has stuck with me through thick and thin, I thought when we were 16/17 and I told her about my past that she would run a mile but she didn't, she is my rock and my constant but I fear I may be affecting her now? I have the two most gorgeous children, I have finally landed my dream job that I am half way through the training of, and we have a great life travelling around all the country's theme parks. I also have a great - ish relationship with my dad and we have a boat together with my brother.
but all of this doesn't stop the fact that I have these feelings in the background that are intruding on my life and that I really want to get rid of.
again I'm sorry for the long post but even writing this has helped a little, feeling low is the loneliest place in the world and its soo easy to start feeling that there is something really wrong and getting scared of getting worse.
thanks everyone in advance.