Hi am new
. Was not sure what to post as an introduction, so here is an excerpt from something I have written this week, as things aare getting more intense.
"Because you see, when you think that you are just some unlucky person that is doing everything wrong...then find out your mother is mentally ill (see previous post) and then finally, not only you realise that you are not unlucky, but that what happened was not your fault (after years of guilt and repressed anger), and that all those traumatic events triggered BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, EUPD in the UK) eventually, is a massive relief.
That does not make BPD go away, but does explain a lot, and more.
And I do trust what I have been told, I have been lucky and have had lots of support. But now, I have to deal with the fact that, even though it was not my fault 'I' am responsible for doing certain things, putting myself in dangerous situations, and so on. And no matter how much someone tells me: 'hey, you did not cause this', it still hurts.
So now I will need to learn to cope with all the memories, all the hidden scenes and the anger upon the anger.
It is quite ironic really. I am someone chasing after dreams, trying to avoid mistakes and failures, while causing them at the same time. It is not easy for me to accept.
But now, finally, I see it written in front of me. And it is not easy. But I refuse to be a victim. I have work to do, my extreme sensitivity to emotions and fear of abandonment has led me here (I am not making this this up, therapist told me this ). But it has also made me extremely empathic.
Unfortunately, consciously or un-consciously I am the one ending up at the wrong end of the road. But there is a road, and it's not closed.
My story is not over;"