I've recently got through a very hard and confusing break-up. I have been suffering from severe anxiety and have recently started on medication, I have routine panic attacks every morning and have been struggling to mediate them. Of course, these are all caused by me thinking about my ex, perhaps during a dream or just after waking up, often times both. I know my struggle here pales in comparison to some of the other replies I have seen or here and my greatest support and sympathy goes out to you all, but I would just like to vent my situation and perhaps get a fresh view of it.
I have known her since the second I moved into Uni, we happened to live in the same flat, she had a boyfriend at the time, they were together throughout all of our first year and a short amount of second year, before she split up with him and very quickly got together with me. We were living together in second year too (originally moved in with lots of other friends, as friends, but obviously this changed). We had an intense relationship and to be expected with living together before even going out, but it was passionate and extremely forfilling, I was madly in love, I think she was too.
In third year, she moved away for a year-abroad in Finland as a part of her University degree, I stayed in England and had started a year of full-time work at a bank, as part of my University degree. she had suggested breaking up before she moved away because she was worried about the long distance, but our relationship was going so well that it wasn't a very hard decision to choose to give it a go, although it still shocked me how casually she was able to suggest this to me, my first scare, I suppose.
The first few weeks she was away were hard for me, she was very busy with meeting all these new people and taking in the culture, I was very bored and not busy at work, I was checking my phone a lot to receive a lot of nothing. This made me feel insecure and I definitely became too needy, but after 2 or 3 weeks, a bit of getting used to it and some reassurance from her that she was never intentionally ignoring me, I got used to it and we were fine.
For a good few weeks, I would say 6-8 weeks, we were completely fine, it was lovely being able to Skype her every now and then, we both still had the occasional bit of insecurity and what not, but this was mostly due to the difficulty with staying in consistent contact and being able to convey emotion over text. All in all, we were happy, and it was time for me to go and visit her.
I arrived for my week stay and couldn't be happier to see her, although, I had a weird feeling that I was just an add on to her new life in Finland. I felt a bit down because of this, we still did a lot of nice things together and the passion for each other was still there, although I just felt slightly weird about hanging out with her new friends, because of what I've mentioned.
I came back to England and shortly after she expressed her insecurities that she felt like I wasn't as happy as she would've liked me to be when I was out there, which I didn't want to lie to and say I was as happy as I could've possibly been, because I wasn't I felt lonely when she left me to go to her lectures, I felt uncomfortable when hanging out with all her friends. But, this being said, I still loved every second I had with *her*, and I told her this.
A few weeks passed after id visited and our emotions were a bit up and down, but I remember a really significant message she sent me in early November, 'I know it must be hard when you girlfriend fucks off for 8 months but you are being so understanding and I really appreciate that, I fucking love you'. This was everything I'd wanted, just some acknowledgement of my insecurity of being left behind in boring old England, some confirmation that I had been doing the right thing by trying to be as understanding as possible, and she told me she loved me. This made me so happy.
A few weeks later, towards the end of November, she rings me and says she has been feeling 'weird' - this is where my anxiety starts from, because I did and still do not understand it. She said she felt like she didn't really know me anymore, and she wants to 'see how things go over Christmas'. This hurt me a lot, I was under the impression things were going well. This period of time scares me a lot, she was staying up late talking to her friends (particularly her two best friends, who I met), now I don't think this was a lie and she was cheating on me, of course, this has crossed my mind, but I truly believe she would never lie about something like that, she is too kind. However, I do think she had mentioned her feelings to her friends, (something I personally wouldn't do, I feel the first person I should resolve my relationship issues with would've been her), but, I think this is what's happened and they have ran after with it, told her they didn't particularly warm to me and she has decided to act on it.
Around this time her texts were a bit cold 'forgetting' to say I love you, 'not noticing' my messages, I obviously knew this wasn't the case, so I told her how I felt, that her telling me 'we will see how things go' over Christmas really scared me and I really thought that we were fine, she reassured me that she just felt 'weird', I even asked if she really loved me, she said she really did. I was shaken up, anxious, but did feel a bit better. Plus, this we about a weel before we both went home for Christmas and her messages started to pick up, she was looking forward to seeing me over Christmas. I
went to her house from the 20th to the 24th, it was amazing, we were so passionate, we even kissed out in the street, something I'd never see myself doing. I spent quality time with her family and went on a couple nice little dates with her, it couldn't have been better, I was over the moon.
I went to her house on the 27th, brought her presents, she'd been weirdly apprehensive about coming to see my family the day after, I thought something was up, we awkwardly exchanged presents and laying with each other for a few minutes. Something definitely wrong, she asked we go for a walk, she chatted about her Christmas day, we sat down on a bench and she said 'I'm not sure about us'. I couldn't believe it, I am shaking writing this almost 4 weeks later. My whole life just crumbled around me, I cried no end, she cried a bit, but not loads. She told me she loved me, that she would miss me, she hugged me, she kissed me. She said that she had just been worrying so much about going back abroad for her second semester and she just couldn't hack the long distance, I understand why this would being worrying, but I couldn't help but feel if she truly loved me she would want to try. I'm still not really sure if there was another reason, but anyway she says that she still wants to be friends, which I admit would be convenient for us because we share quite a few friends and we will be going back to Uni in September.
I haven't contacted her in about a month now and don't know how to act -
- Do I tell her I still love her?
- Do I tell her I want to get on just as friends for now, but I would love to give things another go when we are back in the same country? (she did say this wouldn't have happen if not for the long distance)
- Do I just try and grit my teeth and be friends but don't mention that I still want something romantic between us?
-Do I just not contact her ever and hope that she either contacts me or I can just get over her.
I feel like I need to commit to one of these things because she thought of messaging her is causing me immense amount of stress. Thank you if you have taken the time to read all of that, I understand that it might seem excessively long to most, but I really needed to vent it all.