Tell Me Something About You

[tomknapp]

Tom,

I've recently got through a very hard and confusing break-up. I have been suffering from severe anxiety and have recently started on medication, I have routine panic attacks every morning and have been struggling to mediate them. Of course, these are all caused by me thinking about my ex, perhaps during a dream or just after waking up, often times both. I know my struggle here pales in comparison to some of the other replies I have seen or here and my greatest support and sympathy goes out to you all, but I would just like to vent my situation and perhaps get a fresh view of it.

I have known her since the second I moved into Uni, we happened to live in the same flat, she had a boyfriend at the time, they were together throughout all of our first year and a short amount of second year, before she split up with him and very quickly got together with me. We were living together in second year too (originally moved in with lots of other friends, as friends, but obviously this changed). We had an intense relationship and to be expected with living together before even going out, but it was passionate and extremely forfilling, I was madly in love, I think she was too.
In third year, she moved away for a year-abroad in Finland as a part of her University degree, I stayed in England and had started a year of full-time work at a bank, as part of my University degree. she had suggested breaking up before she moved away because she was worried about the long distance, but our relationship was going so well that it wasn't a very hard decision to choose to give it a go, although it still shocked me how casually she was able to suggest this to me, my first scare, I suppose.
The first few weeks she was away were hard for me, she was very busy with meeting all these new people and taking in the culture, I was very bored and not busy at work, I was checking my phone a lot to receive a lot of nothing. This made me feel insecure and I definitely became too needy, but after 2 or 3 weeks, a bit of getting used to it and some reassurance from her that she was never intentionally ignoring me, I got used to it and we were fine.
For a good few weeks, I would say 6-8 weeks, we were completely fine, it was lovely being able to Skype her every now and then, we both still had the occasional bit of insecurity and what not, but this was mostly due to the difficulty with staying in consistent contact and being able to convey emotion over text. All in all, we were happy, and it was time for me to go and visit her.
I arrived for my week stay and couldn't be happier to see her, although, I had a weird feeling that I was just an add on to her new life in Finland. I felt a bit down because of this, we still did a lot of nice things together and the passion for each other was still there, although I just felt slightly weird about hanging out with her new friends, because of what I've mentioned.
I came back to England and shortly after she expressed her insecurities that she felt like I wasn't as happy as she would've liked me to be when I was out there, which I didn't want to lie to and say I was as happy as I could've possibly been, because I wasn't I felt lonely when she left me to go to her lectures, I felt uncomfortable when hanging out with all her friends. But, this being said, I still loved every second I had with *her*, and I told her this.
A few weeks passed after id visited and our emotions were a bit up and down, but I remember a really significant message she sent me in early November, 'I know it must be hard when you girlfriend fucks off for 8 months but you are being so understanding and I really appreciate that, I fucking love you'. This was everything I'd wanted, just some acknowledgement of my insecurity of being left behind in boring old England, some confirmation that I had been doing the right thing by trying to be as understanding as possible, and she told me she loved me. This made me so happy.
A few weeks later, towards the end of November, she rings me and says she has been feeling 'weird' - this is where my anxiety starts from, because I did and still do not understand it. She said she felt like she didn't really know me anymore, and she wants to 'see how things go over Christmas'. This hurt me a lot, I was under the impression things were going well. This period of time scares me a lot, she was staying up late talking to her friends (particularly her two best friends, who I met), now I don't think this was a lie and she was cheating on me, of course, this has crossed my mind, but I truly believe she would never lie about something like that, she is too kind. However, I do think she had mentioned her feelings to her friends, (something I personally wouldn't do, I feel the first person I should resolve my relationship issues with would've been her), but, I think this is what's happened and they have ran after with it, told her they didn't particularly warm to me and she has decided to act on it.
Around this time her texts were a bit cold 'forgetting' to say I love you, 'not noticing' my messages, I obviously knew this wasn't the case, so I told her how I felt, that her telling me 'we will see how things go' over Christmas really scared me and I really thought that we were fine, she reassured me that she just felt 'weird', I even asked if she really loved me, she said she really did. I was shaken up, anxious, but did feel a bit better. Plus, this we about a weel before we both went home for Christmas and her messages started to pick up, she was looking forward to seeing me over Christmas. I
went to her house from the 20th to the 24th, it was amazing, we were so passionate, we even kissed out in the street, something I'd never see myself doing. I spent quality time with her family and went on a couple nice little dates with her, it couldn't have been better, I was over the moon.
I went to her house on the 27th, brought her presents, she'd been weirdly apprehensive about coming to see my family the day after, I thought something was up, we awkwardly exchanged presents and laying with each other for a few minutes. Something definitely wrong, she asked we go for a walk, she chatted about her Christmas day, we sat down on a bench and she said 'I'm not sure about us'. I couldn't believe it, I am shaking writing this almost 4 weeks later. My whole life just crumbled around me, I cried no end, she cried a bit, but not loads. She told me she loved me, that she would miss me, she hugged me, she kissed me. She said that she had just been worrying so much about going back abroad for her second semester and she just couldn't hack the long distance, I understand why this would being worrying, but I couldn't help but feel if she truly loved me she would want to try. I'm still not really sure if there was another reason, but anyway she says that she still wants to be friends, which I admit would be convenient for us because we share quite a few friends and we will be going back to Uni in September.
I haven't contacted her in about a month now and don't know how to act -
- Do I tell her I still love her?
- Do I tell her I want to get on just as friends for now, but I would love to give things another go when we are back in the same country? (she did say this wouldn't have happen if not for the long distance)
- Do I just try and grit my teeth and be friends but don't mention that I still want something romantic between us?
-Do I just not contact her ever and hope that she either contacts me or I can just get over her.

I feel like I need to commit to one of these things because she thought of messaging her is causing me immense amount of stress. Thank you if you have taken the time to read all of that, I understand that it might seem excessively long to most, but I really needed to vent it all.

[doughball]

Hello everyone
Feeling low and reaching out. My girlfriend’s away and I’m struggling to know what to do with myself.
I’ve suffered from guilt and depression since I got divorced and started a new relationship. I can’t easily live with what I’ve done and I find it very hard to think positively about the future. I do t talk to many people about this.
I hope you are feeling okay today. Hang in there.

[i.seem.fine]

On the outside I look a success but inside I feel like an imposter, constantly acting, trying to

[raven]

I'm new here. I can't seem to say these words out loud to my loved ones. And writing it down and giving it to them to read just seems too scary. So I thought I'd put something out on here. Just reading other people's personal stories makes me feel less alone. I know it's important to talk. But sometimes it's just to hard and this is the next best thing I can do.
I have never been diagnosed with anything but I would say it started at around 13. The usual low moods and cutting myself. Not badly. Just light cuts. I never did it intensively. It has always been an on off thing. It got worse at university and although the scars are faint they are there. The only reason I don't cut now is because I made a promise to my partner that I wouldn't and I am committed to that promise. I still get the urge to. But I wait it out and it passes. However my low moods are still there. They could be depression but I never want to say it is that because I feel like maybe it isn't severe enough. But lately I wake up and I cry or feel like crying. I'm on the edge of tears at all times. I have zero self esteem. I hate everything about the way I look. But there is no particular reason why I should feel this way. And that makes me feel so guilty and makes me hate myself even more. Why do I feel like this when I have a good life. I am so lucky. Yet everyday I feel like I am drowning in my own head. I am so exhausted all the time. Everything is hard work. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I can't get a proper nights sleep. And I can't get the motivation to exercise. I'm stuck in this catch 22 where I know the things I need to do to improve my mental health. Like hobbies and exercise and good sleep and diet. Yet I just keep self sabotaging myself. This has been going on for so long now I think I'm nearly at breaking point. I can understand why some people commit suicide. It just seems logical when you're in a particular mindset. Last year I came close. And there wasn't anything unusual about that day. Just something clicked in my mind. And how I managed to pick myself up off the floor. Get dressed. And go for a walk. I just don't know. But I did. I think it took hours and felt like the hardest thing I had ever done. And the next day I made a promise to myself to never let it get to that point again. Right now. I don't feel suicidal but the urge to cut is there. It's comforting to me but I am resisting. I just feel so tired of feeling like this. Who ever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to read the messiness of what's on my mind. I just need to keep remembering I am not alone. And that when I find my voice, I need to tell my partner or friend how I am feeling.

[kaysee17]

Hi
Just joined today. Have finally realised I can't do this on my own anymore. My GP is useless and I don't want to go back on medication (have been off it for over a year now) so am going to self-refer to a councellor and hope for the best.

[shirley]

Hi I'm new here. I'm in such a mess. I'm already seeing a private counselor and she's very good. The problem is I havent been completely honest with her because I'm scared of the outcome. I took an overdose a couple of weeks ago. I think I'm glad it didnt work, though not entirely sure. I've live on a rollercoaster of emotions most of my life. I just want to be happy, at 58 I should be allowed that. People can be so cruel, I wear my heart on my sleeve and some people exploit that. Others are just downright cruel. The hardest thing to accept is when it's people you care about that are doing the hurting. How do you walk away from that intact? I keep saying I have so much to live for, truth be told I dont really. I'm sick fed up being sick fed up!! I dont know how much longer I can go on.

[shirley]

Hi I'm new here. I'm in such a mess. I'm already seeing a private counselor and she's very good. The problem is I havent been completely honest with her because I'm scared of the outcome. I took an overdose a couple of weeks ago. I think I'm glad it didnt work, though not entirely sure. I've live on a rollercoaster of emotions most of my life. I just want to be happy, at 58 I should be allowed that. People can be so cruel, I wear my heart on my sleeve and some people exploit that. Others are just downright cruel. The hardest thing to accept is when it's people you care about that are doing the hurting. How do you walk away from that intact? I keep saying I have so much to live for, truth be told I dont really. I'm sick fed up being sick fed up!! I dont know how much longer I can go on.

[indianasmythe]

Hello, Everyone.

My name is Indiana, you may call me Indie.

I just joined today, and I feel quite good to be part of this community.

I'm a very shy-type of a person at first, but with time I do open up eventually. I'm not sure how to put it across on this platform just yet, but I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) with a delicate tendency to be stressed very easily, and emotionally sensitive as well.

However, I won't want to start my introduction to this forum with a very dark of myself just yet. How dark it gets, I am not sure I measured it thus far. But yeah, I'll open with time and we'll get to know each other - I don't mind.

- Indie (:

[tkay56]

Hi,
I am a newbie here.
I have suffered from depression/anxiety and PTSD for a number of years now. I am also going through radiotherapy for breast cancer at the moment.
During these particularly difficult times at the moment, I seem to have so much time to think and this isn't good right now. Am trying to distract myself as much as possible but its hard, I always come back to the same old circle of pain.
I hope I can reach out to others.
Thankyou for listening.

[songthrush]

Hi everyone.
I am new to the site and going through a tough time suffering depression, anxiety and panic disorder. I have a very responsible and stressful job (education) which I think has contributed to my current mental health problems, but I also lost my very close sister to cancer 2 years ago which I am struggling to come to terms with but also undergone a major operation (6 weeks in hospital). I have a wonderful, supportive family but due to living alone, I am feeling very isolated and lonely - especially during this virus lock-down. Would love to chat with anyone with similar problems - perhaps we could support each other. Take care everyone.