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[andthistoomustpass]

Hi

New here. New to this type of thing.
Just want to say what I'm feeling. Responses appreciated.
I'm an old hand at mental health ups and downs. Never had a diagnosis.

Mood swings, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, distorted thinking, paranoia.

Never had those names for these things. Were just normal for me.
The isolation has been soul scouring.

Finally presented to my GP when I hit rock bottom some years ago.

Downplayed my symptoms because was terrified of being sectioned. Dr threw pills at me. The first course helped loads. Fluxotine (generic Prozac). For me, it's effect was simply to unlock many of the emotions I'd repressed for so long.

Represented every year or so. None of the other pills helped after that, except tranquillisers so strong I felt like an extra in the Walking Dead. Quit those.

After a number of years was finally referred for CBT. NHS provider was amazing. Changed my life.

In the eighteen months since I've done so much, met many new people, experienced new things.

Not cured or anything, depression always an undercurrent. Anxiety always has to be identified and challenged but certainly felt better than I can ever remember.

Been getting bad again the last couple of months. Escalating each day.

Sleep is one key to my mental health but it won't come. Even the sleeping pills which I shouldn't be taking don't help now.

Four or five hours broken sleep a night just isn't enough. Making outrageous mistakes at work, despite the snails pace I'm able to move at.

No energy left to go out and try new things. Forcing myself occasionally but the pleasure has leached from everything. One highlight is a support group but how much longer I'll be able to keep going to that, I'm not sure.

All the usual signs are there. Running out of household basics like toothpaste and soap, forgetting to clean, not checking my voicemail, etc, etc.

Most of all, the constant sense of desolation.

Self referred back to mental health team when I was well enough to care.
Had an assessment a few months ago. That was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. Forced to dig deep, open doors in my mind I usually keep welded shut. Had to dig deep, had to engage with the process, try to help them to help me.

Psychotherapist who assessed me put me on the waiting list for Cognitive Analytical Therapy. I've heard good things about it. 12 month waiting list.

My coping strategies and meditations aren't working anymore.

Just need to grit my teeth and power through. Get to the therapy.

Only problem is that I'm not sure I'll make it that far...

Thanks for reading this. any comments, any tips welcome.

[tulip58]

Hi
I'm new to this site
I've just found the courage to join
I've very similar feelings and thoughts
Been suffering for too many years
My thoughts are with u
Life is a One Way Trip
We hv to make the best of it We only get one chance
I've been slipping through the net for years
Not received the help I need
Hopefully this site will help to connect with others who r in need of support
I strongly believe we can help each other
Take care

[mezzaninedoor]

12 month waiting list for CAT sounds bonkers.

Is there no charitable Mental Health concerns local to you that can get you access to therapy quicker than the NHS? I managed to access CBT a few years back when I needed it, quicker with help from my works EAP, can you get any help like that.

Wishing you well

[andthistoomustpass]

Thank you both so much. I really needed to say that and know I'd been heard. Good news. Got a phone call today, CAT starts in a couple of weeks. Wahey! Here's to hope!

Tullip. My thoughts with you too. Life's a one way trip... I like that. Thank you.

I think you are right, we can help one another, just talking to people with shared experiences can help loads. Back in June I finally visited a drop in self help group. Very tough to walk through the doors the first time but so rewarding. I'd highly recommend it if you've not already tried.
Take care of yourself and know that I'm rooting for you.

[christabel]

Welcome to you both.

Let us know how things are going. Keep posting when you can.

So pleased about your phone call.

Take care x Chris

[mezzaninedoor]

I've never come across CAT before, is there a link to any online materials
Is it similar to CBT?
I'm intrigued.

[bagpuss705]

Dear andthistoomustpass

Have just joined this site after searching net about depression and came across your post which clicked with me in so many ways, not the same - but many similar points.

I suffer from sleep problems most of my life, and if it's one thing that I am constantly aware of.

Getting twisted on whatever you take, is fine you will comatose yourself to sleep, but the moment we all wake up, the bad world more often than not, rears its ugly head and you are instantly wide awake, angry, frustrated, depressed again.

It's irrelevant what drugs you take, the mind is so powerful it will override anything really , no matter what or how strong it is.

Don't get too hung up on the sleep thing, if you are happy you can survive on little sleep, still function normally , its only when you feel down the lack of sleep becomes a major obstacle that you use to blame everything on, and the frustration of not being able to sleep snowballs and winds you up even more till, I personally get angry with myself , and will never sleep then!

I have tired Alcohol, weed, sleeping pills and the like , and none of them work ,the thing for me that works is reading a decent book!

If I wake up I just pick it up and start reading instantly- don't even sit there for 30 seconds to dwell on anything , don't give my mind ANYTIME to go down that route, and more often than not will get into the story- then next thing I know I feel tired and go to sleep.

Not saying that will work for you, but if you have something like a hobby /pastime/ interest that you can feasibly do in the early hours as soon as you get up ,might be worth a try.

I think the only reason I don't top myself is because my Mother , it would kill her, and I love her too much.

So not saying you have not got someone in your life like that, but as you don't mention it I presumed (sorry if wrong).

You have a job, yes you struggle, but you have still got it, even if you lose it , lots of people cannot be bothered to even work that are not depressed, just wanting to hold a job down makes you a person that clearly has some dignity in yourself and still has values, as you would not care.

you have admitted to yourself you have a mental mind problem - lots of people cannot even get that far they are in denial or blame everything else.

You have tried the majority of therapies' offered to you with hope, lots of people are too cynical or think everyone else or the world is at fault and won't even consider any alternatives to their way of thinking.

Frightened of being sectioned , I can relate to that totally, my hobby is shooting (not living things) so you can imagine what my GP would think if I told him some of my thoughts I get!
But remember they are only thoughts everyone has them - most just don't admit, and a very small percentage will ultimately act on them.

You have lost many friends by letting go of them , but have the capacity to make them - you therefore cannot be an awful person - you must have some qualities to attract them!

Your post has inspired me to make an appoint with the Doc, resistance is futile!

I cannot fight it myself after 30 years of trying - you are not a weak person you have survived this long - the Doctors try , but the mind is so different from one person to the next, it will always be a battle until something clicks within you.

But your post shows to me you have all the right ingredients to make that happen , it's just a question of mixing it up right .

It Will come - just don't give up on yourself yet- you have obviously journeyed this far by your determination to succeed in wanting a better life that is an admirable quality.

It sometimes feels like the world and everyone in it, is against you, but the fact i have bothered to write this - even if it means nothing to you, means some people can realate to what you are feeling - and even though i know zilch about you - dont want you to give up......

I know it's a cliché when people say look at the positives you have, but I think you have survived on your own better than I ever could- so your stronger than me, thus stronger than you think.

Sincerely me x.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi

Thanks again for the responses. It really does help to know I've been heard.

Bagpus705

I hope you do try the doc's again.

I hope you try to be honest with him. There are a range of treatments that may help.

The way I try to look at it is if I feel this crap then trying something constructive, anything within reason, be it a course of treatment, ways of behaving, or simply going for a walk, is unlikely to make things worse and may help me feel a little better. Ultimately, life is the only game in town so I have to keep playing my hand as best I can.

Non-prescription drugs or alcohol. More harm than good. Your line about comatose yourself to sleep.. yeah, been there alright, happily those days long behind me. Books used to do it for me too but have lost the ability to concentrate. Radio plays and audio books aren't a bad replacement.

Good luck with your fight. I intend to keep bobbing back to this site and hope to hear how you are doing.

Mezzaninedoor

Not started the CAT yet but will very soon. My understanding is that it is sort of CBT+ with some practical exercises but with a much deeper analytical component. The therapist walking with you, taking the journey together. I'm sure I found some online info on it, possibly on the Mind website.