Here I am like everyone else, going to an online forum because I don't know what else to do.
Il try not to rant for too long
I just cant cope with day to day life right now, all of the distractions, the bills, the need to support myself and be independent its too much for me I just cant do it all and i get depressed and i cant move or i let constant social media distract me - i don't know where to begin, how to focus and i start to feel energy and start to try and sort things but i get constantly distracted and avoid everything.
Im 30 and my parents still support me because I pursued an art career but I cant make money from it, now Im graduated with a masters at a top art school but i cant deal with the 'real world' , I am recently divorced, I have a child to look after for half the week, I got a job through a street food vendor to get some cash , I told them I would start in september and they text me just now to ask if Im free - One of them is my friend and i thought he meant to hang out - so i said yes, then he asked me to work tomorrow but id already made plans whilst im not with my kid to work on new project with a collaborator, i hate jobs, i hate how they expect you to just work if your 'free', I hate how society makes you feel you are worthless if you are not employed, i always have the urge to walk out of jobs, Im trying to make new art because i have a show coming up but I have no money and no studio.
This might all sound trivial but my mum just bailed me out because i didn't pay council tax and it went to court, im causing my parents so much stress, Iv desperately been trying to sort my flat and get into new projects and then i almost cracked when i got that text.
I have a deep dread of work, my Dad says told me i should quit being an artist and get a proper job, but i have solo shows and am successful i believe in making art more than anything, i just cant make money from it, iv always made art, i've always followed a radical path of avoidance though creativity, my parents are getting older, i seriously think if they didn't support me id be alcoholic and probably on the street.
Im really scared, i guess to a lot of people i seem privileged, to have parents who can support me, to able to go to art school - but i feel like I am about to loose my art career because i just can cope, support myself or be independent and my parents wont keep supporting me, nor should they.
I guess i only recently understood i suffer from some depression, I just cant deal with things like some other people can, but the main thing is i find it so hard , impossible to support myself financially - i have a death drive or fetish for walking out of jobs, overspending, i find it difficult to be creative without this kind of rebellion
whats more and i know this might sound weird but I find I get increasingly annoyed and alienated from people who are not internet aware - their attitude annoys me, i grew up on the internet and internet culture is a big part of my life, i feel a separation or i cant relate to people who just dont really spend time engaging with the community aspects of the internet, its difficult to explain, its like they just don't get something