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motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

not sure if I belong here

Postby motherofrage » Fri Feb 27, 2015 12:29 am

Hi there,
I've posted a couple of blogs, but this is my first post on a forum, and it feels really different and quite scary - I'm taking the risk of being misunderstood and rejected. I feel like a bit of a fraud. Apart from a few relatively short periods on antidepressants, I've managed to stay away from NHS mental health services. I have a job, a husband and a child, and I function pretty well most of the time. But I've also been seeing a therapist for just over two years, because I know that something is not right. I have had periods of just not wanting to be here anymore; there are times when every social interaction feels physically painful, and I carry around an awful lot of anger. The anger bothers me very much right now, most of the time I seem to either be arguing with people or choking on barely repressed fury. The endless news about sexual abuse trials make me so glad for the victims who are finally vindicated, but they are also reminders that for me there is going to be no justice. This makes me feel overwhelmed and bitter and I just can't figure out how to get past this. When I let my anger out I end up feeling either ridiculous or like a scary harpy. If I keep it to myself I feel defeated. Therapy has helped me understand my feelings, but I'm afraid that it won't actually change anything.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby acorn » Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:01 am

Hello and welcome to sane

You are not a fraud. I know the first post is scary and feels like a risk but you are amongst people that understand here. Just because you have managed to stay out of the system so to speak does not make your feelings any less valid or your struggle any less real.

I can relate to the feelings around the abuse trials. They affect me also.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby motherofrage » Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:34 pm

Thank you for your response, Acorn. It's good to feel that I'm not alone with my troubles, but I'm sorry that you're affected by this crap too. I've been living with it for about 40 years now, and it's only now that I'm understanding how heavy a burden it is, and how much it has warped me. It's hard.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby acorn » Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:38 pm

Hello

Yes it is hard. Very hard. I'm sorry you have carried the burden all these years with no one to support you. I'm glad you are here reaching out now.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby motherofrage » Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:54 pm

Yes, I'm reaching out, and your responses are really encouraging, thank you for that. But I've been knocked back badly over the years, especially when I was younger, and now find it very hard to believe that I can ever really rely on anyone. It's confusing, because I so much WANT to be able to do that, and to feel protected, and wanted, and all that; but at the same time it always feels like that's too much to ask for - and of course it often is. I've had that sense of entitlement crushed out of me but if anything the need has got stronger. And now I can't get through any encounter without feeling that I'm again looking for something I can't have, that I'm bound to be disappointed again, and that I'll only have myself to blame when that happens. I feel like that here, now. I only feel safe by myself, and my life isn't like that. So at the moment just everyday life puts great pressure on me. I have a couple of difficult family events ahead, and I worry that they'll be too much, that I'll crack.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby acorn » Sun Mar 01, 2015 3:15 pm

Hello

I can really relate to belong knocked into thinking there is no one I can rely on. Every adult around me was extremely abusive growing up, and of course even in the child adolescent mental health service they talk to parents. Then I entered adult services and everyone expects you to stand on your own feet. I have continued to try though and have found a few people I trust. Two friends. It's not a lot but it's something. I know what you mean about the need being overwhelming and not going away though, it can get all consuming sometimes to the extent no matter what people do or however much they reassure it isn't enough.

I cannot imagine the stress of family events. I have no contact with mine because I cannot deal with them.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby motherofrage » Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:42 pm

I think it might be going that way for me too. Because my parents didn't want me to talk about what had happened to me (because they couldn't cope with my distress), it became my dirty secret. Apart from my husband, only one friend knew about it, and she still lives in my home country, so I only see her once a year or so. So almost all my relationships are based on a lie about who I am, which makes me feel dishonest and always worried about somehow being exposed. I'm trying to be more open with people, but it's not been going that well. My boss has turned out to be great, and that is a huge relief, but he's still my boss, not my friend. On the other hand someone who I thought would be on my side just doesn't seem to understand how much I'm struggling. She thinks I owe it to my parents to keep up the appearance that all is just fine. And my parents still don't really seem to want to know. I'd previously managed to put quite a bit of distance between us (leaving the country will do that!), but once I produced a grandchild they were back in my life and it seemed unfair to deprive my son of contact with his family (they're better granparents than they were parents). I keep getting trapped in wanting to be fair to everyone else, but I'm beggining to feel that it's been enough. I' m going to have to spend a week with them all, and with my brother and his family, who also know nothing (and as a result, I think, often see me as withdrawn, strange and probably just downright rude). I am sick of keeping this secret and feeling like a scapegoat, and part of me wants to end this now, whatever the outcome. But another part of me fears that that will just confirm in everyone's mind that I am completely unreasonable, ungrateful and hysterical. Because I don't know what it will be like, I can't actually plan what I'm going to do. And I'm worried that I'll just lose my temper at a really unsuitable moment and that it will all blow up in my face.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby acorn » Mon Mar 02, 2015 8:50 pm

I respectfully disagree. I don't think you owe your silence to anyone. Your past has made you who you are and being pressures to keep it a secret only re traumatises you and reinforces the fact that you are alone. It is the parents job to support the child not the other way round and I'm sorry they weren't there for you hut now you are an adult it is up to you if you want to out up with their continuing denial.

I'm glad your boss is helpful and that you have a friend that knows even if she is in a different country.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

Re: not sure if I belong here

Postby motherofrage » Mon Mar 02, 2015 10:08 pm

You're right, acorn, I know you're right, it's just that I'm scared. I'm not sure why, in truth there isn't anything left for me to lose there, but somehow the the thought of all of them turning on me is really frightening!


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