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Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

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Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2014 3:24 pm

Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

Postby Greenchap » Sat Sep 06, 2014 6:43 pm

Dear all, I hope everyone is well.

This is my first post ever in this sort of environment.
Please be patient as it's taken me a great deal to get this far.

Please allow me to explain why I'm writing.

I suffer from GAD and depression. It's the horrible numb and constant low feeling that's really caused me to reach out now.

I'm 35, married with 2 kids under 10. I run a business with my wife.

I've been suffering from serious mood swings all my life but the last year these emotions have become intolerable, I can't feel any joy for anything anymore.

I'm on sertraline drugs for the anxiety / depression but I just feel so down all the time.
I procrastinate and can't stick at any one job. Sometimes I find myself just staring at the wall for what seems like ages. Just standing there.

I struggle to read emails and I cancel on friends last minute too. I just don't feel like seeing anyone, but at the same time I feel so so low when I'm on my own.

My wife doesn't support me. Ive told her about it in great detail, but she shrugs it off because 'you've been like this for years'. I don't love her anymore either and when I look at her I want to leave her and the house behind.

Something I found myself doing is being really needy. And acting very impulsively and sometimes destructively. I drive my car too fast hoping I will crash and die, I often think about that one.
I find myself getting into relationships in the most intense manner. My wife and I are separating btw. But this again is something I just brought upon us. I was horrible to her and said I can't stand being in the house anymore. It makes me feel sick. I've said nasty things to her, like 'I'm unhappy because I want to be single'.

And the truth is, I'm not sure where to turn. Which direction to go. This is in a nutshell this story. It's been like this for a long while.

I went to therapy to see if I could find out what's making these triggers. I discovered that I strive for security and love. I've never really stood on my own two feet before. Apart from bring self sufficient in business, emotionally, I went from the arms of my mother at 17 into my wife's arms. Where she basically took over the role of mum. She's 10 years older than me.

I rationalise scenarios whereby I leave and see how I feel. But that scares me. I mentioned before about getting impulsively attached to women very quickly. It's happened again. And last night I went out with a client and went home to hers!!! This is totally out of character. I've been with my wife for 17 years and only now am I being this way.

People say I need to work out what's going to make me happy. I left last year, but chickened out, I missed my comfortable life, and I thought I missed my wife, but again I find myself in the same position.

And all of this, you might ask why is this relevant to my condition? Because this is what seems to be all I think about and fixate on. And if it's not this it will be losing my clients or having no money.

I'm a bloody mess and I don't know how to get out if this box I feel trapped inside.

Posts: 177
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2014 8:38 pm

Re: Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

Postby Lou83 » Sat Sep 06, 2014 7:23 pm

Hi there Greenchap,

Sounds like you are having a miserable time at the moment.
I'm 31, suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD - so can relate to some of the feelings you are experiencing.
Have you seen your GP recently, or the MHteam? Maybe your medication needs changing.
I'm sorry if I'm not sounding terribly helpful - I'm not having my best day.
I hope you find people on here, that might be able to give you some good advice.
Here if you need to talk though.
Lou xx

Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Sep 13, 2014 10:59 pm

Re: Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

Postby Balthier » Sat Sep 13, 2014 11:17 pm

Hey there,

What about your relationship with your kids? How does it feel when you play with them, or are around them?

I want to have a daughter in the future, and i think that silly things like talking to her, sing with her, play with her os just watch she in her sleep will be very soothing and refreshing for me. In fact i think that some silly things are the best things in some situations.

I was very depressed some days ago (and i'm depressed again now), and one thing that helps me a lot when i am in that mood is trying to be gratefull for good stuff.

Posts: 526
Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 12:45 am

Re: Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

Postby alisontiz » Mon Sep 15, 2014 1:57 am

Hello Greenchap,

I am sorry to hear that things are so bad for you at present. It's good that you have sought medical help previously and that you have some meds to help you cope. I, too, took Sertraline for quite a long time but eventually realised that it wasn't working for me. I just wonder whether a visit to your GP or MH team might be helpful as you may need a medication review. As you suffer from depression and anxiety you may need to add another med, especially if the anxiety is particularly out of control. I think you would agree that from what you have written it is fairly apparent that something is wrong. The symptoms you have described would seem to indicate that you are unwell and, under these circumstances, you might consider it prudent to seek further medical advice. It may be a long, uphill struggle and nothing will change overnight, but if you can feel in a better place mentally, you might be more confident in making life-changing decisions.

Of course, you are amongst friends here, so do post again if you feel able. We would love to know how you are getting on.

Wishing you well,

Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2014 7:17 pm

Re: Self destructive, depressed and anxious.

Postby MadNatureLover » Fri Sep 19, 2014 8:22 pm

Stuck in a rut it sounds, nothing worse, you crave security but you are miserable with whom you are gaining security from but the thought of letting go is so terrifying you daren't let go. Its a horrid horrid feeling. I suggest take small steps, i personally can only focus on one thing at a time, so find something, maybe try to go the gym each evening and literally MAKE yourself go. You need to force yourself to do something (PURELY FOR YOU) out of your usual routine, i find doing this snaps my brain out of that road to self destruction at least for enough time so i can start the cogs in my brain turning enough to focus on tasks. Ill be honest the gym is like an escape for me as soon as that gym door shuts behind me, i feel safe and that nobody knows where i am :)

Try talking to someone impartial, there is nothing more frustrating that trying to explain to people who don't suffer from depression or anxiety how it feels, especially when you know the person and you are close to them. No matter how many times you try to explain they will never fully understand enough to support you the way you truly need.

You are not alone feeling like this, its horrible but you will find a path … start with a small task/change and build from here, don't rush, build up your confidence to make rational decisions & move forward. You will get there :)

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