Hi, I'm new and I didn't really know where else to go. I've been to the doctors this morning and all I had time to say is that I'm low and a bit anxious.
This is what I really wanted to say to the doctor:
It's started again after 8 years of being ok. That crushing, breaking feeling inside where the only relief is to cry. I hurt inside, but only some of the time. The giveaway signs are the lack of concentration, the tears, the snappiness, the day dreaming, those moments where I feel sick with nerves but just for a split second - like a moment you've been told something awful or you see something awful, but nothing has happened and your still in the same place.
I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself, but I keep having these horrid fleeting thoughts that I'm going to die. Cars crashes, lifts plummeting, aeroplanes crashing, falling from any height, train crashes all cause panic, a split second of thoughts that flash through my mind and make me feel sick. It doesn't happen every day, but now I come to think of it, maybe it does. I don't think it used to- i think they've been steadily getting worse. During the summer at my old work, I know I had those imaginings then nearly every day at least once - every time I got in the lift. But they dissipated, but they've come back again, worse this time because rather than just a fleeting split second thought they actually make me feel sick, my heart stops for a second then I feel that drop of adrenaline and I remember that I'm ok. I don't understand where this panic comes from or why my brain thinks of these awful things.
So now in addition to those momentary lapses I've got that horrid feeling that I have been keeping at arms length for such a long time. It has occasionally crept up on me at this time of year over the years but managed to suppress it . I've eaten well, done lots of exercise, focused on everyone else, kept a good routine, had good sleep and distracted myself from it and only had the odd day where it's got the better of me over the years. I've managed it, kept it away and been strong. But this time is been sneaking up on me. I've felt it for the last few months and havent been able to keep it away, the anxiety, the nightmares, the tears, the lack of focus. There's so much going on, I'm out of any routine, I'm unheard, I'm exhausted, I hurt and I feel alone.
Breaking point came yesterday. I hadn't hurt myself in years. I thought I was over that and it was in the past. I thought I could be strong in our relationship whilst my husband is going through his own trials. I need to be there for him and not burden him with my issues. I feel alone in my own personal hell. That crushing, self-obsessed weight on my chest that makes tears roll down my face and I don't even know where they come from. They surprise me- the force of them, the way they appear from no where, the amount of them. So I hurt myself. I feel stupid now and in pain. My leg hurts. I scratch and rip big lumps of flesh out of my skin. The scratching is to deal with the frustration, the complete and utterly overwhelming feelings of emotion that I don't know what they are or where they come from. The scratching is mostly triggered by an argument where I haven't been able to articulate what I want to say either because I can't formulate the words or because i don't yet know what the issue(s) is or because I haven't been given space to speak. I don't really know what goes through my mind other than than I want to lash out and rather than hurting anyone else or throwing furniture across a room the obvious thing is to take the frustration out on myself.
So they're my symptoms, what about the causes? I think that's pretty simple concoction of stuff:
1. SAD? - winter is always tough for me, i like warm+sun. cold+dark =
2. Holiday - I haven't had a holiday since last May, which was only a week. I don't remember the last time I had a two week break - 6 years ago? It's not like we can't afford one - just my husband doesn't like to take 2 weeks off and we've had a lot on over the years so it's not easy to make it a priority. I'm so tired though, i've lost my perspective and two weeks (or longer) of time off would go a long way I think in helping. The problem is now that we both desperately need one, I have no holiday and won't until May at the earliest and my husband is ill and has no holiday allowance to take either.
3. New job - starting a new profession, in a new industry, with no team or support, working from home, alone and being isolated, with no guidance. Demoralising, lonely, demotivational.
4. My husband has just been diagnosed with CFS - I don't know where to start with how this makes me feel so I don't think I'll even try right now.
5. 8 weeks virus - Sept/Oct virus which meant I missed 10 weeks of boot camp, ruined my eating habits put on half a stone.
6. Finishing my old job - 3 months notice, redundancies and a generally horrible ending to 7 years of working there.
7. Mum and Dad- Moved halfway down the country and I have no support from Mum because she's so engrossed in her own nightmare builder scenario. Dad is an alcoholic in denial. Mum and Dad argue and bitch at each other all the time.
(a)- I hate living in London. It does me no favours, it's too big, too busy, too impersonal, too smelly.
(b) - the house is too small and too cold.
9. Babies. I would like to have a baby. We're trying, it's not happening but with issues 1-8 going on that's probably why.
And that's what I wanted to say to the doctor this morning (I don't have a regular dr I'd never seen this dr before). But instead I just said I was a bit low and anxious, I cried in front of him and he said that I needed medication. I asked for counselling because I don't ever want to go onto anti-depressants again after how they made me feel last time. He said I needed them to start working straight away but he'd refer me for counselling too. He gave me the prescription and I've got the tablets. They're on my desk now. Unopened.
I just wanted to be heard, I don't want to take meds. To be listened to and to say all the stuff that I've written above. I'm not that bad - not as bad as the first time I had it. I just need a way of dealing with things. Is there any advice on who I can say all this to? Where can I go to be heard? How do I deal with this?