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Unhappy for no reason

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dno.9
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 4:49 pm

Unhappy for no reason

Postby dno.9 » Sun Jul 12, 2020 5:06 pm

Hi I’m constantly feeling down I have nobody close to talk to so it gets bottled up and worsens until I go and get completely smashed blind drink to stop the miserable feelings I have. Then I wake up feeling worse again and the cycle begins again. I’m ok with work and quite successful but as soon as work is finished I’m down in the dumps. I don’t wanna see anyone I don’t wanna communicate with anyone because I feel so sad. I tell myself my problems over and over in my own head but can’t seem to tell anyone else. I am single can’t hold down any relationship whatsoever. I let everyone down constantly by avoiding any situation I feel uncomfortable in which is most situations and all I ever seen to wanna do is get blind drunk, then I’m the happy person everyone thinks I am. But I’m not ! I cry myself to sleep and wake up very emotional, I feel so sad and I really don't like myself very much I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I put on a very brave face to everyone I ever meet and they would never know how deeply unhappy I really am. I really need to talk to someone but don’t know who and don’t feel I have anyone close to either. Does anyone understand this ?? Is anyone feel the same feelings ?? Or am I alone with this one ?? I don’t have any close family to talk to and am very lonely too until I’m in a pub again getting drunk and playing the game of being happy again. It makes me forget it makes me feel happy. This can’t go on. I’m on a self destructing mission and it’s all bottled up. Buy dont understand why I feel like this and what I can do to help me feeling like this and hopefully find a way of stopping it

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Unhappy for no reason

Postby modin » Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:10 am

You're not alone. There are lots of unhappy people in the world. In fact, we're all unhappy from time to time. Some of us are able to get back up and keep going, and others don't know how. But we all can learn.

The most important thing is that it's okay to feel sad. Life isn't easy for anyone, even though it's sometimes easier for some people than others. If you're sad, you must have reasons - it's all about finding them. And it's okay to feel the way you do.

Just in this message you've given a few reasons to feel sad. You say you're lonely. You have nobody close to talk to. We all need people in our lives. A partner, friends, family, people we can share life with, people who can listen to us and advise us when we're down and when we need help. People who can make us feel like we belong and we're alright - make us laugh, make us smile, make us feel loved. That's a more-than-good reason to feel sad right there!

You also say you put on a brave face. You pretend. Nobody likes to pretend. We all want to be seen and accepted as we are. Hiding from others drags us away from them, it makes us feel isolated and misunderstood. It exacerbates loneliness. You need to be yourself, to express yourself, to make yourself heard. Not being able to do that, for any reason, is also something that would make anyone sad.

Finally, you don't like yourself. You drink to forget the pain, but you know that it only makes it worse, and you're angry at yourself for not knowing how to do it right. But also, you're angry at yourself for being sad, because you think you have no reason to be. You think you ought to be happy, you think that if you're sad without a reason, then something must be wrong with you, you're broken, maybe there's no way to fix it, maybe there's no hope and you're all alone in the world feeling like this.

Now listen close. You're not all alone feeling like this. You're not broken. You're as normal as anyone else. You have reasons for feeling sad. You need contact and closeness, like anyone. You're afraid of being unfit, undesirable, unsuitable, for life, society, other people, like anyone. You're unsure of yourself, of your own value, and everyone else struggles or has struggled with this too. Anyone is vulnerable to sudden depression, even if some are more resistant than others.

Now to understand yourself, you have to accept that you're feeling the way you feel for a good reason. You have to give yourself a break. You have to finally accept what you've been denying, and only you can know what that is. I can give some examples that may or may not resonate with you.

Maybe you've stubbornly tried to make yourself believe you don't need anyone else. After a failed relationship? Or after a series of bad social experiences? Maybe you've obstinately tried to make yourself believe that you're less capable than you really are? Because you're afraid of failure? Maybe you're denying your problems because you're afraid of not being capable of fixing them?

All of this is very human, very normal, and it's not shameful - it's something everyone deals with sometime in their lives. And the first step is self-acceptance. You're ok, mate :) you'll get through all of it with some help.

ericph
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 10:57 pm

Re: Unhappy for no reason

Postby ericph » Mon Jul 13, 2020 5:28 am

In order for things to change, you have to do something different. So just a thought, try going to the same pub and just have soft drinks, see if you can have the same kind of conversations sober. Or maybe leave your bank cards at home and just take money for a couple of drinks with you.

My dad died an alcoholic. he was fine until he was about fifty, then mum had multiple sclerosis and gradually lost the use of her legs and hands. Dad did not seem to cope well and took to drinking. His drinking only became a problem when he used it as medication to hide his pain.

I enjoy a drink and I understand how powerful booze can be. I have given up drinking twice a year for Lent and Advent for the last twenty years. I know that all the time I can give up drinking for a couple of months a year, then I am in control. I recently made a commitment and gave up drinking for a year, while my grandson was in prison. He had addiction problems, and my hope was that he could see addictions can be overcome.

Voluntary work is really good for giving you a purpose in life. I help out at a club for people with learning disabilities, they are very friendly and many of them have their family or carers with them. Council offices often advertise a whole range of voluntary work, and we meet some amazing people. Churches can be very social places to go, I think you have to look around to find one that suits you. They also do a lot of voluntary work helping vulnerable people.

Walking groups are good, their purpose might be the love of the country side, but they chat together as they walk.

I think in life you have to constantly keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Make a commitment in your mind to do something new, and Go. It is within your power to change yourself, you just have to believe you can do it.

Take care
Eric

dno.9
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 4:49 pm

Re: Unhappy for no reason

Postby dno.9 » Mon Jul 13, 2020 6:18 am

Thank you for taking the time to read and try and understand what I said. Thank you for your replies they both have something in there I can understand and work with. It’s been great to wake up today with the replies as it was the first thing I looked at when opening my eyes today. I remind myself of what has been said throughout the day today and hope things start to get better for me. Thanks again so much it’s so good to know people can actually have a bit of time to really try and understand me. I feel so alone in the world I really have nobody I can talk to. I have people around me but nobody close. They probably think I’m totally fine cos like I said I put on an act. But under that I’m a wreck. Maybe even people think ‘oh he’s fine he don’t need anyone’ cos I hide the feelings I don’t show them at all only to myself when I’m alone staring at my walls and ceiling beating myself up over why am
I do useless. There are a few things you both said make sense, yes I need to find someone who cares for me the real me not the one I pretend to be, yes I need to find something else to do and I’m probably never gonna find them both drinking.

ericph
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 10:57 pm

Re: Unhappy for no reason

Postby ericph » Mon Jul 13, 2020 10:44 am

dno.9 wrote:I remind myself of what has been said throughout the day today and hope things start to get better for me.


Hi dno
This is a quote I like.

Destiny Douglas C Hess

Watch Your Thoughts, For They Become Words,
Choose Your Words, For They Become Actions,
Understand Your Actions, For They Become Habits.
Study Your Habits, For They Become Your Character,
Develop Your Character, For It Becomes Your Destiny.

Everything starts with thoughts, what are your intention? Your drinking is probably a habit now. So start with changing your thoughts, choose your words, understand your actions and you can change your habits.

Thoughts are powerful, Henry ford the car manufacturer said something very profound -

Whether you believe you can, or you believe you can't - You are probably right.

So if you believe you can't change yourself, give up now, you have already lost and you are probably right. However, if you believe you can change; the good news is also that you are probably right. The mind is a powerful tool, and if you use a drill, or saw you have to guide it, you have to make it do what you want it to do. You have the power to change, you just need the conviction.

Got to go, but have a good day,
Eric

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Unhappy for no reason

Postby modin » Mon Jul 13, 2020 4:52 pm

Eric is absolutely right.

One of the steps to happiness is always awareness - what are my thoughts, what are my feelings, what are my actions. You can only start to really understand something after you have observed it long enough, after you have enough data - that's how science works. And it is surprisingly easy to turn a blind eye to our own thoughts and actions, to purposefully forget and not think about any of them. The reason we tend to ignore our own thoughts feelings and actions is because they can be painful to think about - because we are mistakenly led to believe that we are wrong for having them.

Which is why I think the first step to happiness is acceptance. Accepting that... come on man, you're not perfect, nobody is. You've got flaws, sometimes you get stuck in a vicious cycle, sometimes you let your fears control you, sometimes you keep making the wrong decisions for a while. Sometimes life sucks for months or years and it can sometimes seem like your whole life was a mistake. Sometimes we give in to pessimism. And of course, we tend to hate ourselves for not being happy, which is ironic. We're driven to think that happiness should come easily, that if you're not inherently happy, then something's wrong with you. Bullshit. The first step is to accept that sometimes, as humans, we suck and it's ok.

Accept your sadness as something natural and rational of you, and then start observing yourself and thinking about it all. Why do you feel all that you feel? What could make it better? How do you put it into action?


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