You are a good person Belle, I may not know you personally but have been witness to your writings on here and in my view reflects the person under the surface that hopes to be heard.
Even though you may not consider this goodness of yourself, but consider that the reflection of others mirrors who you really are.
The time spent providing support doesn’t justify you as a person, but all it takes is just one genuine reply that speaks from the heart can change the path of another. I’m sure you have given that effect to others in need of support in the past.
However supporting others or not you should always deserve support as the first need. Don't be afraid to seek it.
Bad news always instils a level of shock in some way, a level of subtle fear; the level of shock may form into denial which can make coping more difficult to understand while the depth of shock can no longer be found.
You have been through so much, at times may have wanted to give up, yet to find somewhere, somehow, that a part of you rises once again to find a way to pull you through. Each time this strong part of you rises offers a chance for you to grasp on and believe that there is a part of you that still exists deeply and strongly. Once you decide to follow this part of you, belief and trust in this strength becomes your way forward out of all these chains holding you.
It’s not easy, at times can be so desperate for something to pull you through, but is takes time, courage, strength, belief and to be brave to decide maybe it’s not what you’re going through but to consider its how you look at what you’re going through and the best way to cope and overcome the experiences that may help most.
Separate yourself from any condition, away from the symptoms, away from anything that challenges your health, because these things are not you, they are things that you are experiencing, so by separating these things leads you to understand you as you truly are and the things being experienced are not part of you. This helps to find ways of coping and solutions that may help most.
I understand when you say not being angry and feel clear in your head. It seems this shock has pushed your mind quickly away from any decision, in to the fear of denial, to want to face and cope with what you have just heard. The pain may be too much to want to acknowledge.
What I wish to say if this could be of support to you is that you have just heard of this bad news, your mind has reacted to the news because of what it believes it has to go through, therefore the shock has hidden away from your natural ability to clear think, a way to look at this and what could be done, when a mind does this what's left are suicidal thoughts, without any other way to escape the mind believes suicide is the answer. The problem is its often so subtle can seem at an unconscious level.
Maybe consider stepping back, Take a deep breath, give yourself some time to absorb this news, give yourself permission to allow any fear and sadness to be released in the company of those around you who you feel are able to listen and walk with you through this difficult period.
One other thought, I know the forums can be difficult to talk about what people want to talk about because of being in an open forum (This I find can be frustrating when having the chance to say truly what people hope to say may often be the way to healing wounds). But anonymous does help.
If you wish to share and talk through this news as openly and comfortably as you feel you can. You may find many supportive members here could offer different views, and words of support. Maybe sharing in this way could form part of the 'exhausting every avenue', as well as releasing the build up of the shock and pressure driving any suicidal tendencies.
I hope something here may have helped.
Take care of yourself, look out for that part of you that will again surface when you need it most, and follow it. Be brave and trust the goodness within you.