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Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
sad
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Tue Jul 09, 2013 7:00 am

Hi
Are you're back. have to go myself soon am starting to lose it and fall into delusion because of subject matter.

His alter hated me because I took him on because I pushed his buttons and was as bad. It let me go to start with. He showed me what he was like but said because I had been caring and loved him he would let me go. I felt vulnerable and hurt and the rest is history. He definitely had a mental health problem, I was told that it was antisocial PD (polite way of saying psychopath) But his old school friend told someone split personality. He always said he had problems but not telling me what it was, was part of the fun I think. Though he did say the more I ask questions the less he'll tell. I believed psychopath but it just didn't fit, this fits-especially the distance and lack of knowing what I was talking about sometimes. If i'm right then I know I made his alter worse. He did say once that i'd made him have feelings like guilt, which he'd never had before but i'm not sure about that, though my brake downs, when they came, were pretty severe so maybe out of shock he felt something. I wish he hadn't done what he did to me and vice versa. If I had been happy and he hadn't fucked my life he could have had whatever he wanted.

How would you feel if your wife wasn't around anymore? She sounds very loving and patient. It will be interesting to see if having a child wakes up some feelings that you lack. Even if it's just really wanting to be around him? Once they are a year old they are bloody funny, that's for sure.

So you don't have friends so much as acquaintances? But no one you would really call a friend (apart from maybe yr bro and wife)

It's a shame you don't concentrate must leave you with no distraction and a bit trapped in that shit. Do you think knowing what's wrong helps? before you knew what was wrong did you even know that MD took over sometimes? I know you know he's there with you, but you don't know when he talks or what he says? so for years you didn't know a part of you but just got shit for it?

I always chose love and goodness. One of my delusions is to do with good and evil and choosing sides (it's a lot more indepth than that) but I chose good every time. It's just there is a part of me that has been twisted in hell and it hangs around me like a shadow that pops up every time I feel any kind of weakness or upset (same thing)I need to be taken somewhere where it's pure and have it calmed in me but no one thinks i'm worth it so it's left to me. And this is how my head is, the legacy left from all that crap with ex-or one of them anyway.

So do you know what you're having a boy or girl?

painkillerv3
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Wed Jul 10, 2013 2:59 am

It is interesting to hear another difficulty I rarely get the opportunity to discuss things of this manner with genuine people so thank you for that. Sorry if at any time I make no sense got a headache that feels like I went head to head with a lorry.
It could have been the case of a hyper active instinctual nature or communicative related issue, such as he may not have wanted to say any problem because if he is alike me has a voice in his head most of the time saying things that will convince not to knowing you may be worse for ware if you disobey. Even people without genuine emotion get what i call blips such as my life seems just out of bounds to reality but at times will see the reality and have feelings for a short period of time then back out again. If the alternate was more compulsive and or threatened by you to harm you in a number of ways it can just mean a lack of response connection to a situation barely able to understand. Its never easy living with or partner to someone with a MPD its a wild and dangerous ride for both involved.

How would I feel? this is something that causes distaste and hatred something been brought up in session lately. I would feel nothing absolutely nothing as I discussed with the team as they are meant to be helping me re-discover emotion as part of D.I.D rehabilitation methods my actual words or description was that is my wife died any reason I would feel nothing im as dead as a door nail, the conversation lead to child it sounds heartless but would be the same, people dislike me for that coldness and lack of empathy but without emotion what are you but cold. Having a child should give way to emotion but the only thing im inspired to do is learn as I always do across lots of data to learn how to tend to a child be it emotionless care but every need can still be answered.

Friends are far and few between as you can imagine with a MPD people dont tend to stay long enough or abandon you as a freak. I have people I make small talk with, the woman on checkout at morrisons asks how baby coming along and other similar experiences. I have friends for very short periods, I did have a long term friend once sort of accidental friendship but knew about my problems was ok with it until he accidentally triggered and MD buried him 3 ft under ground without digging a hole thats how hard he got pounded but because of me/md he spends alot of time in therapy partially afraid most of the time some serious physical issues, shortly after that I was declared dead and i spent years in recovery obviously I did not stay dead only for a few minutes but was long enough for the person assisting me to run off feeling guilty and spending years in recovery i never say him again until last year. You can imagine the shock of the dead rising of a friend you once knew and helped do it, we spent an hour talking then back he went to therapy not seen him again since. I dont have the luxury of friends best I have is odd discussion.

I think knowing about it made it worse because before I still had some fun here and there and was not really sure I was just not blacking out completely like laying there until awake but maybe dazed stumbling to where I end up, I had no idea what happened it was only when things started to go seriously in the realm of you did this you did that started such as one of the 1st I remember being told is dangling someone over a 3 story drop, to me sounded physically impossible as I was small barely able to stand on my own weight for too long. Then i started hearing more and more but someone caught a tape of what i was doing beating up some guy 5x bigger than me and over twice my age spent ages going over that tape it looked a hoax tape to me. It was far easier back when I was unaware I had minimal worries of harming people but for years its a constant job and done more damage to my body preventing MD from harming than should be in normal SH.

Good and bad are just meaningless unless you can feel you can keep that going, its good that you have chosen good over bad but imagine its hard to keep? I am neither good or bad in terms mostly bad but from where I am im neutral.

We are having a girl, Shilo.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Wed Jul 10, 2013 5:22 am

Hi

I kinda feel the lorry might lose :lol:

I don't mind if I struggle to understand, let's face it, it's only fair really. If the switching you do, means it's hard to follow what people say, then, you switching when talking to me or being a little incoherent due to headache or whatever is simply 'welcome to PK's world' I see no reason for apology in making someone re-read what you're saying till they can decipher it, anymore than they feel that towards you :) If I really don't get the point i'll ask x

So you mean if I didn't know him I had a reason as to why I disobeyed? If he let me know him it would come with rules, which I can tell you now, I would have disobeyed as no one tells me what to do if I don't want to do it (backlash from any control put on me as a child) Have you ever kept your condition from people??-psych, your wife for a long time etc?? Don't forget what I thought he had, eliminated any good in him in my mind so made it worse for him. Also the more compliant I was, the worse he was. Once I convinced him that I would love and stand by him no matter what and for the rest of his life (as friends) At the point he believed me, he said something so utterly vulgar and disrespectful that I punched him straight in the face.

It's funny if I evoked feeling in him more than he had previously experienced as I did everything thing I could not to feel. I liked the idea of feeling nothing, simply because I feel so much. Sometimes it's like a tidal wave, in this direction and that, often if I can get disconnection, I do. Trouble is because of that, I now have little control over disconnection and when it happens-damned if you face feelings, damned if you don't. He would sometimes say I wanted to be like him. I didn't, just wanted to be a changed version of me. STILL DO! maybe that's other reason for staying an enigma cause the reality was bleak?? you tel me what you think? Do you get a buzz from being an enigma??

I can't wait to hear how you feel once the baby is born. I hope that blip of emotion is a pouring of one. I think you will be surprised at how it makes you feel-I hope anyway. Put it this way, it will be the most extraordinary thing you ever produce.
I know you say you'd feel nothing if your wife left but do you think the void she would leave would confuse the void in emotions and perhaps cause a sense of emptiness?? Is everyone equally as irrelevant in that respect? for example if I never spoke to you again or your brother didn't, would it matter as little, both the same?

I can see how friendships would be hard to maintain. Especially if MD creeps out and says stuff behind your back. Is he always an out of order shit? Plus people are naturally prejudice. Like I said normality terrifies me more. In the past if I feel too normal, I lose it and run out of control otherwise I feel like I'm dead.

Goodness is everything to me. I can't help a lot of the bad ways I am -nature, nurture percentage-i don't know. But without compassion, empathy, love and kindness we as a race are barbaric. I have enough in me to carry and love the people more distant to it, like you but it's all I strive to be. It's humanities evolution!

I was so happy when you said you were having a girl. I really wanted it to be a girl. Every women needs a daughter and it's definitely the best gender for you to have. I can see you and MD melt with those 'please Daddy eyes' :)

Are you really calling her shilo? What a good name! And it's a name from a song. How original. Tell your wife I'm impressed-well thought out. Who came up with it? xx

painkillerv3
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Wed Jul 10, 2013 8:06 am

Someone with a condition as fragile and complex can see anything as a betrayal, if experience serves your previous situation it goes to a black and white view of things that fixes itself to your mind. betrayal could simply be an unwanted hug, a mistaken remark, or psychological betrayal. Every person with this problem is different things progress differently, anything can be a variation. Yes I keep things from people as I think most do or at least try to but with a MPD its difficult but not impossible depends how intelligent and good at manipulation of a situation you are. Wish I could hide it right now and I can just figured out how to take myself out of the social services picture. You can never satisfy a broken personality stand by, hate, friends with benefits it makes no difference in the end it comes down to how fast someone can follow the ill person in attempt to keep up with erratic belief and opinions.

An enigma? i dont think I follow, explain?

Experience of having offspring is yet to be experienced and will be sooner than thought by my calculations, it instead of septermber will be in the last 2 weeks of august so we shall see. There are some factors In life i could do without, brother one of them I could not care any way of he never spoke to me again and the chances are that he wont soon as we move unknowing to him we put in for places 20+ miles away. People come and go as you will its inevitable and will happen despite any intention on either side its just the way things are for me and never changed.

I paint a bad picture of MD as thats what mostly is but there are good times not as equal to bad but its nice when it happens. Few months back destroyed my guitar rigs I never got around to fixing them and he did for me though i had to redo it since i use 9's not 10's on my ibanez the others are fine but tension on my ibanez bridge is set for 9's but it was not a bad thing. Artwork i sort of enjoy bad content but the ability is far past my own its good to know part of me can draw stuff like that.

My daughter was known by another name but as MH were picking at me for it as it resembled as they say an "infatuation" I changed it. As anyone knows im goth and I have a passion for gothic opera one in particular. Shilo is a character based in that opera its always been my go to opera because for a moment instead of being shattered in personality for a time it unites all sides as a story as one. Shilo the daughter young and unknowing of the world, the father over protective to a point of sealing her away, the father leading alternate secret life the person seen as the monster, hated by his daughter. As with all gothic opera built on tragedy and it made no difference as my daughter is being brought up goth manner too. The opera has such inspiration to me, after dealing with MD so long when I saw the opera for the first time its all as true to my life as it is the fiction of the opera in more ways than i care to explain. Its with hope the namesake will give the same inspiration to be the father and keep the monster secret.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Wed Jul 10, 2013 8:50 pm

Hi

I am only black and white in the sense that the person I am at the time, i'm sure of. But the different ways I am is in itself is a contradiction and therefore only match my opinions at the time, I can hate something one day and love it the next My opinion of my ex is also a contradiction, which if i'm dealing with two separate people in one mind that makes more sense. I think my ex struggled to keep up with me and I struggled with the constant dishonesty and inability/refusal to let me know or understand him. But please understand I did love him and a part of me stilll does, despite how I was. I love a lot of people that I've been a shit to or about. I just am sometimes depending on how I feel at the time but it's never meant. I have strong feelings for people and am quite insecure and sad a lot of the time. that's just not what I allow people to see.

Do you think someone who has my personality would clash horribly with someone with MPD?

An enigma Is something that is strange and not properly understood-puzzling.

I didn't know goths made opera. I can see how the dramatic style of goths would make for a intense and dark opera. The subject matter of the one you're naming your daughter after is very interesting. Opera not really my thing but I would like to see Don Quixote but I'm probably better of just reading it. Shilo is also a Neil Diamond song.

Do you get infatuated then? I was surprised to read that.

So you do get on with your alter? what do you like about him? If you could get rid of DID would you? I know that seems a stupid question but some people wouldn't change. I fucking would, just to be stable and satisfied would be nice. The rushes of screaming boredom and irritation is the only issue-nothing is ever enough. At least the swings of madness keep my mind occupied. When it's gone I like it, but the like doesn't last long.

End of August?? WOW you're a doctor and a mathematician-never cease to amaze PK. :lol: How are you on humour? You say things that are funny, don't get me wrong but do you struggle to read people or find humour in stuff?

I hope you don't mind all the questions and feel free to ask or say what ever you want to me. I have a defensive side so you'll never manage to upset me as such. I do, very much, find it interesting talking to you and I have an interest in understanding you. xx

painkillerv3
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Thu Jul 11, 2013 1:00 am

Why not give it another shot with your ex? you seem to have a level of understanding that you could use and seems at time you miss the relationship for better or worse why deny yourself. Life is a contradiction in itself there are contradictions everywhere but with you it may be sufficient to actually talk to a specialist of some description and see if there is any way to discover an underline cause. It is impossible to understand someone that can not understand themselves they have nothing to tell or feel certain about. Yes you could inflict conflict on a person with a MPD but depends on the person or how the mpd is, for example you can try to harm me and will fail for the reason I have no emotion to hurt, to MD you are still only human making you inferior take no offense in that just how things go making it impossible to do any damage.

No, I do not get infatuated. I use any means at my disposal to get jobs done the only thing close to infatuation is the thing I have for red heads but that is related to something long past.

Me and MD do not gt on but im starting to think that we should work closer together, a real problem but I can see why at this moment we can work. Causes me all sort of problems, I spoke to my unit earlier and had to work round him when he causes me trouble and the unit is now locked tight on that the upcoming meeting will end in bloodshed and the psych has left my team because of the risk of getting hurt. Of course I would accept getting rid of DID life would be easier.

Humor is one thing that I have barely any skill at only in simulation if required in social interaction. Im a painkiller I have more skills than most dream about, without the drag of emotion, a mechanical mind alot faster than normal. I spoke to the mh team as I said and I got the discussion of how there is so much risk at hospital of a man being the attending during birth. If there are any complications I will do it myself because they know I can and have the skill set needed. I don't have the same limitations as others do.

I don't mind its not often though people accept the answers to questions.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Thu Jul 11, 2013 2:22 am

Hi

I would have loved the opportunity to put that right with everyone-to the best of my ability. But tell me how you forgive that?? Bad words-I can forgive, lack of care, problems in general but to go out of your way to gain control and play games with someone's whole life-can that be forgiven?? In my opinion if someone can't put it right(which he can't) and I can't get over what happened -then that leaves us nowhere. It's a shame :cry:

Sorry for the length of that^^^

I asked about you being infatuated because you mentioned you were when you talked about what you were calling your child. Why do people not accept what you say?

Surely they will sort the thing with the hospital. It might be a bit late but could she not consider a home birth? That way you can sort out whose coming before the event. Are you gonna go goal end when she's in labour?? I can't think of anything worse than giving birth (that's not entirely true but you take my point) That's a fucker about the humour thing, would hate that. Is there stuff you do find funny? Itry and laugh at everything- also an issue with the bad in me.

Off subject but have you ever heard of a band called Counting Crows?? I only ask because he has DD. I can really relate to a lot of his lyrics and now I understand more about the condition, I can see relation with the illness. Catapult on the album Recovering The Satellites is a good example- infact there's a few on that album. He also hallucinates as he mentions it. He's known for writing lyrics that are not understood but I understand him. In fact if reincarnation is true, we knew each other in the past life and now he writes me songs :D

xx
Last edited by sad on Fri Jul 12, 2013 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

painkillerv3
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Fri Jul 12, 2013 8:58 am

If you dont mind me saying it appears at times that despite the conflict nature of the relationship you somewhat miss it or at least cling to the parts you remember most. Have you got into another relationship since that time? how if so has that worked out for you in definition of quality as to your ex?
Relationships are tough when one has a mental illness but worse if both do as it creates a conflict larger than understood by the opposite and will struggle for it.

People find it difficult to accept what is said because of the MPD, with conflict of opinion in one's self and people know about it then it confuses a situation already confused. For instance I told the Mh team as they asked if I let my wife out on her own, on occasion I do but not often but they also most likely somewhere have it answered as no with some violent comment after it. Its hard to understand the truth of a topic if the truth is a conflict in itself.

Home birth was denied as the simple fact that still after a birth you have to end up at hospital for baby check and as such it was decided to save moving baby too much to be right there to begin with and the midwife said its highly unlikely she could help in a home birth depending on time and time between contractions.

Humor is one of those things so is fiction, the people I have upset for these 2 reasons is astonishing. A therapist tried to tell me a story Cinderella as i never heard it before, she likes the story books and I had upset her breaking that fantasy story by poking holes in its logic. I find some thing mentally humorous mainly attention seeking types (no indication of anyone before anyone starts a guilt trip) take my brother, pathetic excuse for a man the only way he can get female company is with a sympathy and guilt run "i feel so depressed and want to kill myself" awwww poor man though its just an angle he would never harm himself as he keeps saying he loves life too much and he is really sensitive about getting hurt. I find my sister the same way, recently gone around all the people we know stating first she was pregnant shortly after we announced a baby a few weeks after that telling everyone she has twins (already born) pumping herself with drugs and alcohol about to be evicted and has no money cant feed the twins - reality= she is a phone sex operative (since she was 14 years old and now 20) with money coming out her ears, has a big 2 room flat, no kids-in short the most attention seeking person on the earth. The part I find mentally amusing is how people can believe people like that might be as its too easy for me to pick out the attention seekers in a crowd.

I have heard of them but not listened to them I generally stick to normal music groups i know to be trigger free/safe. Lyrics are a powerful thing when it relates to you, I can do the same with you minus lyrics. Maybe one day I will share music with the whole of sane rather than a couple of you but at the moment im having to go dark and inactive on the internet mostly here as I know my psychologist is learning from these posts I make, long story.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Fri Jul 12, 2013 12:10 pm

Hi

I can be bit of a cold person really, I don't miss much. One think I do miss is being able to go out and not feel that people have connection with the site he plastered my business all over. I went away for a week last year, met some people who were really cool, they invited me to go to a festival a couple of months later. I ended feeling that they knew what had happened and were making reference to it. I had a complete melt down. one of the nights this led to psychosis and I ended up in a field talking to the fucking trees. This is one of the realities I fall into and consequently fall apart. Because he's mentally ill I can't blame him for what he did to some degree but he can't blame me for hating for it. i had a lot of friends I loved and a good job and a future now I've just got a fucked up mind and not much else.

I know exactly what you mean about conflicting opinions based on self. We have different reason for this happening but i'm exactly the same. My opinions and the way I see things are really changeable depending on how I feel and who i'm with. I often think about something i've said when I feel normal me and think, I don't feel like that. My family are used to it but I have had comments from others before. I don't know what i'm supposed to do about it though. Plus I forget the things I say so i t can surprise me when people quote me, back at me. That's bad with you though. You must find you're talking to someone and all of a sudden the atmosphere changes because MD has put his ten pence worth in and you have no idea what's happened- I feel for you PK.

That made me laugh that thing with fiction :lol: fairy stories are not supposed to be logical, They are supposed to be fantasy stories that instil you with your own moral guideline. Get used to reading them as well-little girls love a fairy story and i'm sure they wont want Daddy to stop half way through to explain the impossibilities in the story :lol: :lol: I do find your dryness funny. Do you laugh at people for any other reasons? Attention seeking annoys me I'm surprised that makes you laugh, if my nephew attention seeks it gets on my nerves :| If someone needs that attention then fair play and some people need more than others. Your family sound an interesting bunch-never a quiet moment ay.

I think you should share your music, i'm a bit of a magpie when it comes to others and there music. So what if your therapist is reading any of this. What is she gonna learn?? That you have normal friendly relationships with the people on here, you've been supportive to others-I would say above and beyond to me and i'm really grateful and would reiterate that it's truly been a pleasure to talk to you. And the thing that she will learn from what you've said is that you have a close relationship with your partner and you are looking forward to welcoming your daughter into the world. Your having all the same protective feelings and worries as any father gets (all be it, your own version of) But that you pose no threat to your child and if anything you sound like you're gonna make a great Dad. When I first started talking to you, you said you were not sweet- well you know what painkiller, i disagree! I hope you do stay around-we all need red in a rainbow :)

Keep us posted on your beautiful wife's condition. love to all your family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

painkillerv3
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Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Fri Jul 12, 2013 3:36 pm

Alike me you seem to have alot of problems with friendships and communication because of MH and the events that unfold from it. Talking to tree's is not that bad at least you get did not end up doing something far embarrassing like streaking - dont ask. I think that you need to find someone that understands you and smart enough to keep up with events. Its hard when your mentally ill to find a connection, i dread to say this the only person I have a conversation more than 3 mins long is a woman that wants to jump my bones, i know alot of females are drawn to me but ( prep for a joke) i do have a tee shirt that does say "only redheads need apply" then on the back "goth and redhead? your hired" but it is very difficult to make friends. You never know someone may like that side of you despite it being illness, i can say for sure that it happens trust me.

It can be bad with DID and opposing opinions, as a matter of fact the psych called me (coincidence after this post was made?- waited 2-3 days) and said he had noticed that md was in and out of conversation with him which is of concern as now I wonder what he said to the psych though the psych did say I played the guitar infront of him, something i wont do ever.

I am a bit dry I admit it but it comes with having a brain that only works certain ways, you know I wrote to the book company that published Cinderella never got back to me about all the points I made. I can read them I may think its a load of fantasy illogical writing but my daughter is already displaying some of my abilities so I can imagine she would rather enjoy something a little more factual. I can laugh at odd things mostly out of an awkward moment, laughed when my brother got hit hard in the family jewels for asking a girl for her number with the only chat up line I told him years ago the only one he knows "im not fred flintstone but i can make your bed rock" that was pretty funny, he tries to be like me but has no sense of romance and swooping women off their feet in the 1st 10 seconds, there is a redhead down the road give me 10 seconds and she is mine with brother give him 10 years she will still deny him. I can find things funny i think its more down to how fast my brain is clocking at the time keeping control is a hard job i barely have time mentally to do anything else.

My family, no never a dull moment- dad is a transgender and a little too " friendly" with me with a paradox he says he is gay meaning he is a woman that likes women but he has man parts making him male urgo heterosexual and has more shoes and purse's than all the women i know put together and his house is glare pink so much my sunglasses dont work in there. Mum a prostitute, scheming "saint" another attention seeker lately claimed an OD attempt just as i dont speak to her (do you blame me?). My younger sister transgender, phone sex op, attention seeker of the millennium, older sister delusional image of being posh though on jsa, drug addict and my brother you know the rest of mums side of the family all rapists and or abusers going back for more than a few generations my cousins etc also rapists and my uncle was in that old band the shadows thats about how interesting my family is until i broke every family record in history.

Music is often mis understood by outsiders so I have found anyway even just through audio without lyrical interpretation or artistic vision. I recently finished a video thats been banned in most places I put them occasionally- all it was is about MD what its like to have mpd the video represented the sound not the other way around it may have contained some graphic material im just glad I did not upload the uncut version. People misunderstand so very easily learning from me as with a mpd its hard enough but learning from a forum such as this confuses them more because i let out info so slowly and often not to full detail to them. Im already being pressed about my daughter even during the call earlier, i have been set up to so many appointments this month about having a child its got hard to keep track of when and where i have to be. The only fear I have is that MD will get out of control on the attempted contact with the child from other people other than that she is the safest child to ever be born the only child to essentially have more than 1 real father.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!


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