I kinda feel the lorry might lose
I don't mind if I struggle to understand, let's face it, it's only fair really. If the switching you do, means it's hard to follow what people say, then, you switching when talking to me or being a little incoherent due to headache or whatever is simply 'welcome to PK's world' I see no reason for apology in making someone re-read what you're saying till they can decipher it, anymore than they feel that towards you
If I really don't get the point i'll ask x
So you mean if I didn't know him I had a reason as to why I disobeyed? If he let me know him it would come with rules, which I can tell you now, I would have disobeyed as no one tells me what to do if I don't want to do it (backlash from any control put on me as a child) Have you ever kept your condition from people??-psych, your wife for a long time etc?? Don't forget what I thought he had, eliminated any good in him in my mind so made it worse for him. Also the more compliant I was, the worse he was. Once I convinced him that I would love and stand by him no matter what and for the rest of his life (as friends) At the point he believed me, he said something so utterly vulgar and disrespectful that I punched him straight in the face.
It's funny if I evoked feeling in him more than he had previously experienced as I did everything thing I could not to feel. I liked the idea of feeling nothing, simply because I feel so much. Sometimes it's like a tidal wave, in this direction and that, often if I can get disconnection, I do. Trouble is because of that, I now have little control over disconnection and when it happens-damned if you face feelings, damned if you don't. He would sometimes say I wanted to be like him. I didn't, just wanted to be a changed version of me. STILL DO! maybe that's other reason for staying an enigma cause the reality was bleak?? you tel me what you think? Do you get a buzz from being an enigma??
I can't wait to hear how you feel once the baby is born. I hope that blip of emotion is a pouring of one. I think you will be surprised at how it makes you feel-I hope anyway. Put it this way, it will be the most extraordinary thing you ever produce.
I know you say you'd feel nothing if your wife left but do you think the void she would leave would confuse the void in emotions and perhaps cause a sense of emptiness?? Is everyone equally as irrelevant in that respect? for example if I never spoke to you again or your brother didn't, would it matter as little, both the same?
I can see how friendships would be hard to maintain. Especially if MD creeps out and says stuff behind your back. Is he always an out of order shit? Plus people are naturally prejudice. Like I said normality terrifies me more. In the past if I feel too normal, I lose it and run out of control otherwise I feel like I'm dead.
Goodness is everything to me. I can't help a lot of the bad ways I am -nature, nurture percentage-i don't know. But without compassion, empathy, love and kindness we as a race are barbaric. I have enough in me to carry and love the people more distant to it, like you but it's all I strive to be. It's humanities evolution!
I was so happy when you said you were having a girl. I really wanted it to be a girl. Every women needs a daughter and it's definitely the best gender for you to have. I can see you and MD melt with those 'please Daddy eyes'
Are you really calling her shilo? What a good name! And it's a name from a song. How original. Tell your wife I'm impressed-well thought out. Who came up with it? xx