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Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
painkillerv3
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Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Mon Jul 08, 2013 7:05 pm

Interesting, How do you write when like that? have you been checked out for depersonalization?

Im intent to be with my family by any means at my disposal even if it means switching of control methods and letting MD tear everything apart and he will, the child is for all intensive purposes his conceived by him and is very intent on it and I have grown attached to the thought of holding my child and raising it as I never was with all the delights I can. Im not needy really my only real needs are those which I ask for when I need it, MD will take whatever he wants which is where risk comes into it. Our care co has something we want which i think is why she is avoiding us.

To put things in perspective I have been collecting data for some time on all variants of myself, there is alot of data between all of them but I guess if the pro was right and there is a 3rd i guess would be sweet and needy.

I was not asleep, i barely sleep but thats the thing with change it can happen whenever as i dont initiate control methods at home when there is no need to. You were a victim? do you care to explain? i know said not like a victim but in description you are.

Always a pleasure to talk to someone that is not judgmental so quickly as others.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Mon Jul 08, 2013 10:36 pm

Hi

I'd never judge you. Plus I actually like you. How does the saying go....never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes-to be honest, you can keep your shoes though, mine are uncomfortable enough as it is.

I'm glad MD has a healthy view of your new baby. Some people who are psychopathic have a deep protection and feeling towards there children as the narcissistic part of there character see's them as an extension of self. I learned as I got older that passive aggressive serves me a lot better than just aggressive-if you can get under someone else's skin by calmly ripping at the edges is more affective than losing it and tearing things apart. Md might prefer the subtle control that way, Although I have established by our conversation that's there's very little that's subtle about him :D Also I am not so easily in control, don't take that as smugness, I have an awful temper and a wicked tongue,that I struggle to control very often.

What do you want that co is now avoiding you? do they do that often? doesn't your mind get tired with the constant shifting and keeping up with conversations etc??

Peoples alters(as they call them) are rarely sweet and needy. If you're not that personality as you, then it's probably just not there-not that I'd say that is such a bad thing.

I probably show signs of depersonalisation but I think mine is a shut down mechanism when I can't cope (a bit like passing out i suppose) I think the real me is quite weak but I had quite a ruff childhood where weakness wasn't accepted so different parts of me take over- conceitedness, rage, apathy etc as protection. when I fall into these emotional breakdown states I have no idea how I write or what's going on half the time.

I could tell you what happened with this person who I now suspect had DID but you have to promise not to judge?? It doesn't show me in a very good light and I will probably delete the post once I've told you :oops:

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Mon Jul 08, 2013 11:02 pm

Thank you, though liking me seems a little far fetched but thats most likely just me. I dont know you may be comfortable in my shoes well boots, new rock boots ^_^ no goth should be without them.

Funny you mention that, while riving wife to the shop to spend all my money.... she said we talked last night about the baby and sounds good in a way but not so good from what she told me. No one will be able to get near that child, i fear that as time progress's i shall lose more and more time than i get. Passive aggressive is not really needed with me im a genius at pitting people against eachother through superior methods take my 2 care workers if they decided to go against me i will gain the trust of one of them so easily because as a pair they are weak one tends to blot out the other mid sentence and you can see that annoys the hell out of her but has to stay professional all i have to do is open the way. The aggressiveness of MD has made it so that I dont need to do anything just move and people move away. I can see how being passive is a benefit to not becoming openly aggressive I wish MD would learn that but with too much of a predatory instinct the best passive is just a lure. I ways I envy you, you have some control over your temper i wish i had a temper, its like family with me one child gets the brains your 2nd child get the looks.

To keep md in line outside of the flat and still retain control physically the only place he can go is as a voice and instigator of hallucination. My original request is that minimal skin visible MD has a blood lust then after a while I get tempted too, can smell her scent her blood despite my gentle(ish) nature as tempting as it is. Well the reason she is avoiding me is there is a pattern this happened before with someone else, she had asked me essentially about md harming and the change went a little misdirected not aggression as such more like no h____ (care co) wont harm you, your too sweet and beautiful to harm but him i will knock the fuck out (psych) and after she started looking at me funny i thought ok whats happened and asked if she hated me said i dont hate you but got that under tone of of course i do but im not going to say it. It does get very tiring all the time but this is my life and has been for a long long time.

Interesting, my previous therapist spoke of this as you experience it. So you feel as though you are both strong and weak at opposite ends? do you go through the 3 stages victim-abuser-hero as they claim most do?

I will never judge for anything you have to say, remember because of the way i am I live in a world of depravity nothing can shock or scare me (other than cute things freak me out).
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Tue Jul 09, 2013 12:17 am

Hi

Thanks for the rock boots offer, I have a thing for shoes but I must say big goth boots don't feature in the collection :) The 'normal'=boring in my family alternative has always appealed to me more. Plus you're interesting.

You're MH team do not think any less of you when you show bad sides of you i'm sure. I imagine it's a little un-nerving but that's to be expected. Do you think that maybe it's a sense of guilt in you that makes you feel they see you that way?? If I acn understand you and disregard the rest,seeing only you. Then I can guarantee someone who has spend that much time in uni studying this shit can also. They probably feel sorry that this goes on for you.

You wouldn't envy my temper if you new. When I lose it I say the most terrible things that I don't mean and there is no limits. You could tell me something the you were insecure about that i did't think was that bad or something tragic that happened, when i've lost my temper, i'll say things about it in ways that makes hell blush. Plus it never leaves me. I can remember incidences that happened ten years ago, where I didn't say anything and I still am annoyed about it and angry with myself for not responding. Plus i'm defensive and immediately intolerant so appear to have a bad attitude when i'm actually fine- all stuff i'm working on :|
Last edited by sad on Tue Jul 09, 2013 4:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Tue Jul 09, 2013 12:50 am

Shame a pair of new rocks should be in every collection though cant blame you they are expensive, think mine were £270 my 2nd pair £200 and my motorcycle new rocks about £180, also very good for hidden weapons.

The teams think so badly of me when they see/hear things, i was in a manic state once during an appointment with my wife and because of my record and MH im always under suspicion. I said in a joke when asked will she be ok with you? as manic peaked said na course not im throwing her under a bus on the way home in a sarcastic voice they wrote it down wrote i was going to kill her that im a serious risk and all the rest of it. I mentioned my wife's birthing partner she is a good 180-200lbs of muscle and has a temper around hospitals and men as i do - wrote that down punish me for it. I cant say hey there is a rainbow without someone cracking down on me. I have no emotions other than when it appears manic or MD shows but thats more of a different kind of emotion, i dont feel guilt or remorse (another thing they are nailing me with).

It seems you and MD could be good friends if you are that bad, you two would get on famously. Apparently im like that too, i employ people's weakness's against them been told that so many times but never noticed I do it. MD has a but more physical flare I think, there was a guy a pedophile always hanging about where used to live a real sick bit of trash posing to walk his cat while taking pictures walking through the children park, the 1st time i visit that park he sits with his cat on the bench watching I get anxious and agitated, he says hello to me and fireworks go off his cat got loose he never turned up at that park again his cat got eaten by a larger predator. Its the same through his history, some guy trying to pick up my wife md marked the territory alright. I think you two would have alot in common but although it would be healthy for him to have contact in the manner as we speak its not a good idea.

Interesting, the problem with D.I.D is for the most part its only about making a shield to protect yourself against being hurt its only on a rare occasion that the duplicate personality will be one of sheer violence and or destruction most people get along with their duplicates. I would most likely suggest that the person that you dated was conflicted by self image and delusional fantasy. In ways he is like me to a degree, although violent as md and me unemotional i still go nuts for a close cuddle the need to be close to someone but yet the disgust of needing it or not wanting it but wanting it if that makes sense. With him and you though I think its more that he did not know how to control his nature around others, if there was a MPD reason it would become apparent sometimes taking the piss though adult in life can represent an adolescent thought pattern inside rational thought. I take that he was not openly violent with you? if he was openly violent with a mpd it would be focused to a single point of thought sex,abuse,murder,harm,cutting, beating one point of thought. As an example with md its all about submissive worship and will continue until the point its unquestioned faith as it has with my wife my brother the couple of friends i have known all mh professionals I see all of them. I recently came across more documents of md's against the only person yet to fall the next target if you will of course im not going to show them to anyone it will land me in so much trouble but there is always a focus on a mpd.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Tue Jul 09, 2013 1:47 am

Hi

I know which boots you mean. £270 :o you could go to spain for that!! I can just see my pretty little shoe collection on the shoe rack with those bloody great big things there!! Also I don't carry weapons so you're not going to sell them on that front :lol:

Me and MD wouldn't get on cause if Md was off with me all helll would brake loose and you/MD would probably kill me :twisted:.
It was completely insane and afterwards he claimed I had changed him-In what way I don't know and he would never tell me. Don't get me wrong I did love him and would have loved him for all the good and the bad had he been honest about who he really was. He also helped me look at who I was and what I was capable of. You were so right with victim, abuser, hero and they all hate each other.

I also don't remember most of what happened as my brain does that a lot if it doesn't like something. So what everyone else knows I don't.

Do you see how some ways I can relate to you? except the boots thing obviously :D
Last edited by sad on Tue Jul 09, 2013 4:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Tue Jul 09, 2013 2:35 am

Hi

Do you think i'm a monster really?? I do sometimes.

The thing is both you and my ex have reasons for the dark in you. but I don't. I do feel bad for everything i've done wrong but I have no idea how to change a lot of it

:(

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Tue Jul 09, 2013 2:55 am

The boots are expensive but build quality is good and water proof.

The odds are that you wont be killed, toyed and abused a hell of alot but not killed at least im assuming as much more like a toy than anything else but then again your sadistic side may well please him and in that case you will be just taken as a host or a trophy more likely a host.
Thats the problem with relationships especially on the male's side nothing is founded on truth but by the sound of it he deserves you being more abusive than he was but at least also that you did not get knuckled down to a slavery position. My wife the hop to after the years of suffering MD will do absolutely anything I tell her to do, i dont like it that way but what can you do. In respect though women can be just as bad a liar in foundation, I had a partner who lusted over me then she met MD toyed with her and then she told us that she was secretly into drinking sai as we do, that foundation left her shattered scared and almost dead from blood loss so scared to say she was lying.
He could never have won if you are still who you are now, never assume you lose to anyone just because they make you feel broken its just you getting stronger and stronger but drugs explains alot 90% of the time drugged up people are abusive toward a partner.

I don't have a sweet side unlucky for most but I do have a program that will enable me to view situations as with emotional value I know when to do things I know how to treat people as they want to be treated from a psychological standpoint. People will always appear to have a sweet side but its not always the case, sweet is a gimmick used to obtain goals with nothing more like with me and a un nammed therapist it was said "sweet" to bring her flowers and chocolate's to her sweet to me a series of calculations deduced from analogy of her personality same way I can randomly pick up women, my brother challenged me to in a bet that its too hard to get a girlfriend and my opinion is he is just lousy at it, picked a woman my calculations deducted the perfect method needed and left with her phone number and my brothers jaw on the floor. Everything is both easy and difficult without emotions, i still have to learn how to handle a child without emotion to guide me toward parenting skills.

I can see how you can relate though its something I wish on no one but lucky your not exactly like me or your life will be just one thing controlling methods. Its come to me lately that for so long I have been so focused on taming MD and making sure he does not cause damage that i forgot everything else and how much i have missed out on spending partial time as md in disassociation state and spending the rest of the time building walls around him and often dealing with what he does do and gets by me. I have just put in another almost hour perfecting another mech to protect my psych and try to get him back to work with me again and im about to go through MD's documents for clues as to whats happening at the moment and just why the psych pulled out exactly i dont know im assuming its risk he did say something about being too risky and needs to think about it but was there any other reason did i threaten him, were weapons involved did i say that i was going to harm someone did i give the impression he is a target did i......... its endless, though i realize how much i have missed out on its like packing a cupboard and having to hold the handle closed or it will all fall out, i cant let go of that handle and i cant catch up on what I have missed either.

I just got your newest message. I am a monster any way you look at it if it is me or not everyone pushes the fact its you! take responsibility for it! so MD almost killed your wife? so why did you do that? (a redundant question) but the point is yes even though im not as myself a monster only cold and uncaring without emotion though some still defines that as a monster too. Alot of people have a darker side even the most saint's of people have darker sides but its when it becomes distorted its time to be concerned, darkness is my home my reality a prison that became home for some its just an underlining issue. I did not want this to drag on boring you but, I was invited to a friends place by the tone I knew it was serious needing help i got there and she was in the bath with a blade, it should be concerning but as i see it all the time out of hallucination its the same as sharing tea and biscuits with someone, any sick or depraved act is nothing to me it does concern me at times how im untouched by it but well we are as we are made.

Dont feel bad for the things you have done (and for what im about to do after this post) whats done is done and will remain done its like you ate the last packet of favorite crisps and wish you saved them, its done with. There is nothing in this world that can be undone, do I feel guilty for tracking the people who abused/raped me and exacted judgement on them? no despite it being a problem on paper to what im facing now, it happened the way it did and could not have happened any other way.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby sad » Tue Jul 09, 2013 3:30 am

Hi

Why what are you about to do?????

I still do care a great deal for him. But he refuses to see that and so let's his own MD keep on hurting me. The whole thing makes me crazy and around him I am as erratic as I ever was. I wish his MD didn't hate me. And I can't be put in vulnerable positions it makes me crazy. When I woke up in intensive care I immediately started shouting, I was so aggressive and it was because I was vulnerable.

Do people with DID have friends or does their darker side always dislike others or only enjoy hurting them?? Am I making you worse talking about all this? It probably is a little triggering. I find you the same, you raise a sadistic side in me, an angry one slightly but not towards you so much. Afterwards I feel bad for being that way. When i'm healthy i'm really loving and kind. I wish it would stay that way. If i had I wouldn't have run myself into so much trouble with my ex.

Are you happy other than the battle with DID what do you find pleasure in? can you concentrate on TV, books etc?

Just reading over my post I sound really cold and awful. I'm not like that and I do have a big heart and a lot of compassion. I feel really sorry about what went on and It wasn't just me being cruel. He was actually terrible to me and constantly hurt and rejected me and propelled something that was a bit of bi-polar a lot of insecurity and a fucked up childhood into awful paranoia and really ill mind. I'll never get over what he did to me and I lost everything except my family in the process. Yet I still care for him and he keeps fucking me over-like I said a part of me is weak :|

When did you develop DID? Do you think you've got worse? MD got worse? Do you think if my ex had DID my behaviour would have made him worse?

It's funny that you just suddenly go :lol: It's like talking on the phone and someone just hanging up :lol: It's not a complaint, obviously just do what you want as I will. I just think it's funny :lol:

Always good to talk to you PK

Happy wishes to wife and baby xxxxxxx

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: Painkillers R-R thread *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Tue Jul 09, 2013 5:58 am

There must be a reason that if he does have DID the alternate would hate you? normally with MD females are pretty safe other than lust for things red but my wife is the anomaly to that for a reason as well as abusers etc. There is always a way to win over the dislike you just have to find it. Between my wife and MD she will not get harmed as she is carrying his offspring so she used pleasures of the flesh as bargaining chips.

People that experience DID do have alternate friends, i have seen images I never was there talked to people i dont even know but know me etc but the one thing we do share is a passion for redheads which i guess is common ground but people know me all the time i dont know. When we went for the 2nd baby scan someone knew me never seen him before but knew who I was. You are not making it worse, with the level of control it is near impossible to make it any worse. The content can be very triggering at times i am sorry for that. Sticking to one side is not easy but surprised that you would pick the loving side to stick to.

I dont really concentrate very well I cant do anything for longer than 15 mins before concentration breaks down. The only thing I can do is music but often that ends rather quickly most of the time.

You cant help that you sound cold and without heart though to me does not seem that way. You can not change the things that have happened or they way they have effected you just be proud that you are still you even when you feel you are not. Relationships are the worlds greatest killer the most toughest thing you can possibly have to face. You may still care for him but only as an abuser though may not seem that way to you. Dont be ashamed people take the piss of the weaker side of me too all the time its just something that happens that you dont want but used to.

Start with DID? well I have always had some sort of identity problem since i could walk sleeping awake was a problem i go to sleep and im not actually asleep strong case of sleep walking but disagree'd with at the time since my mother is the real bastard claiming without this special drink you will die then when asleep raided the fridge late at night and as its dangerous to try to wake someone like that it only got worse when parents did, then abuse and started to disassociate alot then more then more so i cant really pinpoint a time but its only over the last 15 years I have known of it and its name. As things grow they got worse more violent in my household and life in general violence,abuse physically and mentally and accounts of sexual abuse it just fed MD alot more. I used to be a small person all bone then suddenly big which took getting used to.

With your ex it would depend on may factors but if he did then it could be possible but i would not rule out just being a bastard and not good enough for you.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!


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