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I knew no one would care

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
stressed
Posts: 231
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 8:59 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby stressed » Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:27 pm

I know that you have given me really good support that has really helped me.
As in a previous reply, you are always so good at welcoming new ppl on to the site.
Trolls are not welcome here, and I hope the moderators have dealt with them by kicking them off the site.
I know that it can be difficult to post, when life is a struggle and getting you down.
We are thinking of you, and we will try and help you if we can. xhugsx.

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:48 pm

Thanks
Still want someone to pass me the pills don't want this anymore I'm tired drained failure hopeless stupid fat ugly rejected Unwanted a freak Unloved unlinked etc
Can someone do me a favour and drug me so I can die in selfish too I know just don't want this anymore
I'm scarced but im ready I'm an attention seeking bitch who's worth nothing I'm evil horrible for what i put Laura through and what I did to her eveything is my fault I'm a horrible evil person anywy
Everything is useless I'm pathetic I'm not worth anything I disgust myself it's pointless My problems are pathetic and not worthy everyone is more worse off and problems are more serious than mine I'm burdening everyone
It's not even worth logging on anymore which I won't be see ya x x
Passssssssss meeeeeeeeee theeeeee pillssssssss or shoot me one or the other
Bye peeps nice knowing you hope you all get better soon as you deserve it f it all !
x
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

umbrella4therain
Posts: 2829
Joined: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:48 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby umbrella4therain » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:01 pm

Hello Katie,
I am sorry to hear things are so hard. Please keep safe. Read back on the posts you have just written. There is not one word of kindness or understanding towards yourself. You are very kind to others, so please start trying to find ways to be kinder towards yourself.
You are deserving of help and support but until you can stop bullying yourself I dont think things will improve. Trust me, I understand feeling insecure and burning self hatred, its an awful place to be, Ive written many posts like this myself. But you dont deserve the amount you are beating yourself up. Think about if a friend was in your position feeling so upset. Would you ever say such cruel and hurtful things to them. Would you wish they were dead? I dont think you would. You would be kind to them and try to find ways of making them feel better. I am going to look for a post I sent you in the past. Please be kinder to yourself Katie. If a person had a bully following them around saying they were a "failure hopeless stupid fat ugly rejected Unwanted a freak Unloved unlinked an attention seeking bitch who's worth nothing etc" all these hurtful things you say to yourself. Do you think that person would feel happy? Being kinder to yourself is the first step towards feeling better. please take care. xxx

ulysses
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby ulysses » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:42 pm

Hi Katie. not sure there's much i can add to the excellent advice given by u4tr. i've read your latest posts on The Mental Health Forum and they're quite disturbing. seems like you're still fixated on your es-therapist. has something happened since you left to make you even more self-hating and suicidal than before? though i realize that your dad's ill health is a real downer,has nothing nice happened in the intervening time? how's the job and voluntary work going? are you still doing the dancing? are you still looking for a boyfriend? do you like sport? are you watching Wimbledon? glad you're back and hope you'll stay.

ulysses
xx
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

umbrella4therain
Posts: 2829
Joined: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:48 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby umbrella4therain » Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:12 pm

Katie, here is a post I wrote to you in April. I hope you dont think it harsh and that it can help:

I think what you want most is change not death. I know this has been a big loss for you and its hard to get over perhaps because she represented a way to change for you. I think though that becoming so attached to her, this was not positive change, this was an old behaviour pattern.

My advice would be work on yourself, work on changing the things you dislike about yourself because the only way you can effect change in the outside world is to change yourself. At the moment you seem to be a bit paralysed in trying to change because you are trapped by self loathing and feelings of loss, despair etc. I can really relate to that. I think that for you the process of change may involve taking a few things on the chin. As much as possible you need to build up your resillience. The way to change is to be as accepting as you can and try not to take life as a personal insult. Try to build your tolerance for criticism, I think the best way to do this is to be kind to yourself. Dont use it as a way to make excuses for yourself but accept this is where I am but change is possible and Im not going to beat myself for being where I am.

You are much stronger than you think you are Katie.

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby belle » Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:29 pm

Hello Katie.
I tried to find your posts to read but couldn't.
Please don't judge us so harshly - we do care.
U4tr has given you lots of good advice.
Please have a think about the things which have been said.
Take care.
xx

ulysses
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby ulysses » Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:58 pm

Obviously by the number of replies you're getting, people do care.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:25 pm

Thanks ubftr i will read your post in more depth later on belle here are the last 3 posts form my journal on the mental health forum if you dont want to read them all that is fine jsut scim across them as they are all bascially the same anyway if you dont want to read them im completly understand but this is how i feel right at this moment and what ive been going through whilst ive been off here and on here since i joined but more so now..

Journal 1 A Week Ago:
I've had such a distressing dream not real by the way( ignore this I just need to get it out of my head) !!I dreamt laura was round with her friend wasn't allowed to see her I had to pretend I didn't know she was there I could hear them laughing joking than randomly she came in as she didnt know i was there and sat on the bed she smiled I smiled she leant on her shoulder on the bed i said laura ive missed you so much tears steeaming down my face she whispered how you doing she grabbed my hand and held it tight I went to hug her she said sorry cant do that she said I'm taking you to the doctor she said to the receptionist I found this girl she needs help shes unwell she asked can i sit with her till she goes in? The receptionist said yes of course she sat with me held my hand and i leant on her shoulder tears streaming down my face she was stroking my hair she said katie no need to be scarced i have got you its fine. i said oh my god theres a kid that's from the school I volunteer at then she said Katie be back in a second she said katie listen i have to go its ok shhh! Holding me tight she said she had to go back to her friend and I begged her not too i said no dont leave me ive just got you back no no no! and i was on the floor holding her feet and begging her not to go then she picked me up and said Katie you will be fine and hugged me and said don't tell anyone I've Hugged you I didn't let go she had to pull me off gently she held both my hands she said I know this is hard we have to part you know i cant see you ever again this is a one off remember what I taught you.
I was screaming saying no no no no then randomly(i dont get this but the receptionist said you have an exam and they dragged me up to take it then as i was going up to the room there was noone behind me so I legged It and ran screaming Laura laura! and people were running after me saying get her get her I ran for ages then there was a panel that came off the ceiling and I got in there! And then they got up there there was a window i thought should I jump
and the people were there they went to grab me i jumped I survived! Then i was running the people were following me still and I was missing cars as I was running in the road I got back to the house Laura was there,woke up!
I don't get it! I've woken up feeling freaked confused distressed I don't know I know it makes no sense
It was one of them dreams where you can picture eveything and hear eveything dont know what to do
Help!!!!! I want to die now I really do I've had enough
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc on Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:26 pm

Journal 2 Monday:
i wish this mood thing had sucidial or wish i could die or overdose or soemthing!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I know I'm an attention seeking bitch
I felt very emotional this morning good excuse to put the sunglasses on the way to workI've Been feeling run down also with a heavy cold which makes eveything 10 times worse.
I had a dream about Laura last night it was a partly good dream but it distressed me still as I woke up and knew it wasn't real: cry2: but in the dream I could picture and hear everything
I now keep thinking and looking out for her In the car and on the street I keep thinking people look like her and then they turn around and it's not her.
I was listening to the radio last night my granddads funeral song came on and it reminded me of our sessions because when he died she was the therapist I was seeing at the time so it brought the pain back of me and her and what i did to her its 5 months on since our last session and I'm not coping again ITS ALL HIT ME BACK IN THE FACE AGAIN, I feel awful as instead of grieving about my grandad I'm thinking of her I feel awful everyone must think this is my only problem as its all i talk about i know but it's not this is a very large pile of problems from my past and present and this one is sitting on top of them all. I miss her it hurts my family are like you need to get over it I'm a freak I know no one understands why should i be caring she hates me thats what i dont get why i care so much for her but she hates me?
I downloaded new pictures of her from her friends Facebook I had thoughts this morning to overdose I wish I could end this pain right now it hurts you would think 5 months on I'd be over it I'm not she's seeing new people she hates me she's relived she got rid of me she's forgotten me I hate this my life I wish I wasn't me I hate me I wish I was normal with her why was I freak arghhhhhh
If only I could see her face hear her voice right now and apologise and explain I'll never ever get that chance because even if I see her on the street she can't acknowledge me
I bet she don't think about me not like she should I ruined her life and career
Ive just been on her facebook again didnt think 5 months on it could still hurt so much i was carrying on for ages shoving it to the back of my mind oscasianlly talking about it to my therapist now the tears are starting to flow i just want to talk to her again or let her know i miss her even though she doesnt care.not being able to add her on facebook and not seeing her photos apart from her profile picture hurts i feel rejected and lost ive lost all sense of normalness i dont want this anymore it hurts too much i cant stop crying im numb lost and helpless. i miss her so much.
5 months and it stills as fresh as yetserday the memory and the feelings
anyway I'm not worth it please let me die in my sleep tonight I can't take it anymore no one cares or should care I hate myself so much I disgust myself the way I was with her making her feel like that I'm a horrible evil human being
That's it for now
Hope you all get better peeps you deserve too I'm going to be in never ending pain
Let me stay in bed like I did all weekend and die !!!
She probably never cared either she probably couldn't wait to get rid of me why would she have cared ???
Please grim reaper take me I'm ready !!! I'm scarced but I'm ready
Unfortunately it's a Shame i can't overdose because of my family but I would like to if I had the chance I really wish it was simple
See you nice knowing you all
END OF JOURNAL!!!! beyond help hopefully i wont make it beyond christmas to send her a christmas card which wont get seen by her as she hates me anyway and wouldnt care anyway
end of journal bye x
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc on Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: I knew no one would care

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:27 pm

Journal 3 Yesterday:
Why am I scum ?
I forgot to take lunch with me as I was volunteering not like I can call what I have lunch anyway I then after dinner pace pace think I want something to eat even though im greedy and had dinner and think I can't have anything I'm fat enough as it is I don't want to put on weight I want something then I give in have chocolate now I feel awful fat disgusting I'll weigh myself tomorrow and put on a stone I hate my life so much can someone pass me some pills to die please ? I feel so helpless lost and alone I want Laura to cuddle up too she was ripped away from me like eveyone else has been in my life.I want her to tell me eveything is going to be ok
But it's not my life is shit no one cares on the other forum that I left they couldn't give to shits not like I think anyone should care anyway.
Why can't I be thin pretty and me never had all my problems in my past and present just pass me the pills I wish ???????? F*** it all I'm not worth nothing
I wish I didn't or never existed I wasnt suppose to exist anyway here I go moan and drown on where others are suffering and in more distress than me why can't someone let me have what I want I don't want this anymore I'm tired drained ugly and fat pathetic worthless stupid and pathetic lost alone I could go on all night but I can't be bothered
I asked my doctor when he diagnosed me he said may 2009 and I still getting nowhere I'm failing with evey living breath.
I hate myself so much that I don't respond to people on this forum anymore I'm not welcome I don't deserve to be anymore I use to welcome newbies I don't anymore I'm a selfish human being who needs locking up I hate myself
Why wasn't it me who got the cancer why my dad? I need to suffer he don't I want to die so should be going through that I deserve drugs pumped into me I deserve needles I deserve the pain I deserve to lose my hair why is everything so so so so so shit
Killllllllllllllllllllllll meeeeeeeeeer nowqwwwwwwwwww pleasereeeee before I do it eventually ( how I wish I could)
Stupid bitch
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you


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