Journal 2 Monday:
i wish this mood thing had sucidial or wish i could die or overdose or soemthing!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I know I'm an attention seeking bitch
I felt very emotional this morning good excuse to put the sunglasses on the way to workI've Been feeling run down also with a heavy cold which makes eveything 10 times worse.
I had a dream about Laura last night it was a partly good dream but it distressed me still as I woke up and knew it wasn't real: cry2: but in the dream I could picture and hear everything
I now keep thinking and looking out for her In the car and on the street I keep thinking people look like her and then they turn around and it's not her.
I was listening to the radio last night my granddads funeral song came on and it reminded me of our sessions because when he died she was the therapist I was seeing at the time so it brought the pain back of me and her and what i did to her its 5 months on since our last session and I'm not coping again ITS ALL HIT ME BACK IN THE FACE AGAIN, I feel awful as instead of grieving about my grandad I'm thinking of her I feel awful everyone must think this is my only problem as its all i talk about i know but it's not this is a very large pile of problems from my past and present and this one is sitting on top of them all. I miss her it hurts my family are like you need to get over it I'm a freak I know no one understands why should i be caring she hates me thats what i dont get why i care so much for her but she hates me?
I downloaded new pictures of her from her friends Facebook I had thoughts this morning to overdose I wish I could end this pain right now it hurts you would think 5 months on I'd be over it I'm not she's seeing new people she hates me she's relived she got rid of me she's forgotten me I hate this my life I wish I wasn't me I hate me I wish I was normal with her why was I freak arghhhhhh
If only I could see her face hear her voice right now and apologise and explain I'll never ever get that chance because even if I see her on the street she can't acknowledge me
I bet she don't think about me not like she should I ruined her life and career
Ive just been on her facebook again didnt think 5 months on it could still hurt so much i was carrying on for ages shoving it to the back of my mind oscasianlly talking about it to my therapist now the tears are starting to flow i just want to talk to her again or let her know i miss her even though she doesnt care.not being able to add her on facebook and not seeing her photos apart from her profile picture hurts i feel rejected and lost ive lost all sense of normalness i dont want this anymore it hurts too much i cant stop crying im numb lost and helpless. i miss her so much.
5 months and it stills as fresh as yetserday the memory and the feelings
anyway I'm not worth it please let me die in my sleep tonight I can't take it anymore no one cares or should care I hate myself so much I disgust myself the way I was with her making her feel like that I'm a horrible evil human being
That's it for now
Hope you all get better peeps you deserve too I'm going to be in never ending pain
Let me stay in bed like I did all weekend and die !!!
She probably never cared either she probably couldn't wait to get rid of me why would she have cared ???
Please grim reaper take me I'm ready !!! I'm scarced but I'm ready
Unfortunately it's a Shame i can't overdose because of my family but I would like to if I had the chance I really wish it was simple
See you nice knowing you all
END OF JOURNAL!!!! beyond help hopefully i wont make it beyond christmas to send her a christmas card which wont get seen by her as she hates me anyway and wouldnt care anyway
end of journal bye x
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc
on Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you